Fade out

In case you haven't noticed, this blog is fading away. That is a good sign. I see it as evidence of healing and an awareness of the need to move forward in my life. I am feeling a need to have a private life again. David and I openly shared about our journey with cancer. We were blatantly honest about the difficulties, the fears, and even the amplified awareness of joys that we experienced during that time. I have been very open with the world as I have shared what it is like to lose a husband to cancer. I know the blog has been therapeutic to me and I believe -based on e-mails and the number of people who have been following- it has served some sort of positive purpose for others.

Several events in my life have led me to this point. My Grandmother died last week. We have been expecting her death for years. She had requested that David and I speak at her funeral. For a while I was never sure who would die first; David or my grandmother. During this time I went a year without seeing my parents. David's health was too fragile for us to travel to visit family in North Carolina. My father did not feel like he could leave my grandmother and be so far away fro her while she was ill. If my father and I had known that he would die between the other two deaths, I am sure he would have come. But that is how it is with death. Sometimes imminent deaths take years. Sometimes death comes unexpectedly and without warning. All we can do is make the best decisions that we know with the information that we have available to us.

My mother is no longer living with me. Our family has made arrangements that are satisfactory to my mother and all of us, so that she is able to be closer to home. I am so over the need to be a caretaker! Part of writing this blog has been a way of caring for myself, but it is also a way of caring for others.

That doesn't mean that grief doesn't appear from time to time. One of Sophia's school peer's father recently died. This opened old wounds for her and in turn brought grief to me. Listening to you child cry out, "Why?" repeatedly, when you have no answers for her is challenging. The hardest aspect of cancer and death has been the way they have brought pain to my children. She has had people tell her, "At least you knew your father was dying. You were expecting it and were able to say good-bye." Comparing the tragedies of death is much like deciding which is more of a fruit- an apple or an orange. Some things in life just are, and cannot be measured nor compared. There are some benefits to knowing that a death is coming. Yet few know the difficulties of living for several years, wondering is this the week or month when everything turns. Few understand how hard it is for children and a spouse to watch their loved one waste away over a period of years. It is a long drawn out pain that is exhausting not only for the dying, but for those who live with them on a daily basis.

Caring for an adult in one's home is challenging. The culmination of the deaths of three people who were very important to me within nine months of each other has been a bit overwhelming. I am ready to let go of caretaking, death and grief to focus on life- at least as much as one can in my chosen field! I still want to care for my parishioners and continue to teach them to care for themselves and others.

I have also begun dating again. It has been a big step, but I decided about a month ago that I was ready. I've always enjoyed dating and male/female relationships. I am enjoying spending time with people other than my kids, parishioners, and girlfriends. The kids are comfortable with this new side of their mom's life- although they haven't met any of the men I have dated.

David and I talked about dating and remarriage when he was sick. When he was first diagnosed he begged me to never date or remarry. He couldn't stand the idea of someone else being with me or acting as a father to his children. I would usually respond that I had no idea what I would want to do with my life after he died, and let him know that I would always make good decisions about anyone that I included in the lives of our children. After a few years, he decided he definitely wanted me to date and remarry- and that I shouldn't wait long. Again, I would respond that I had no idea what I would want to do with my life after he died, and let him know that I would always make good decisions about anyone that I included in the lives of our children. By that time he was watching me work full time, care for our home, kids, and him. Stress, some treatments, and some medications made him short tempered and critical. I was the person that usually caught whatever spewed. He often felt guilty because he wasn't able to help and participate and he knew that I was exhausted. He was aware of how much time and energy I put into taking care of him, so he wanted me to be able to move on in life- maybe even make up lost time. I would not take back the years that I spent caring for him. "For better for worse, in sickness and in health, until death" was the promise I made and I was glad to keep it. But now that time has come to an end, I feel no need to continue to honor a marriage that has ended. No one can live in the past.

So, I am ready to be out of the blog light and back in the private world. I have no desire to share information about who I've dated, how many men, nor how many times I have gone out. Dating as a widow of a certain age, who is a pastor, is challenging enough without men having to worry about what I might write about them when I get home. I know that I have been a bit overwhelming for a few men already. No need to scare them all away!

I also have no interest in responses or comments warning me to be careful, telling me it is too early, or any advice or wisdom readers have about dating. I am enjoying the process and feel quite confident in my ability to make good decisions for myself and my children. I am a strong independent woman. I've may have only been widowed for nine months, but I have been single in many ways a lot longer. I manage a home, family, and career quite well. I don't need anyone to support me financially. I am not emotionally dependent on any one person. I am capable of doing pretty much anything I want in life. If I decide to add anyone to my life it will be because I want them there, not because I need, "somebody/anybody." I am happy being single.

I don't know if this is the last entry. I am willing to write more if I feel inspired. But the need to live life more than reflect and write about it is very real for me at this time. Perhaps I will keep a private journal that will become a juicy tell all book about returning to the dating world. Ah yes, see- that last sentence should keep the phone from ringing and end any hope of an evening out- so I won't... but let me reassure you. It would be a very funny book!