Six Month Assessment

It has been six months since David's death. It is a marker that I had mentally set up for myself to get too. Often I have thought, "just get to the six month marker then..." Of course part of me knew that I could finish that sentence with "then get to the one year marker." That's okay. It helps to look to the future, but only so far. Six months is a good distance. It is far enough so that one doesn't feel immediate pressure, yet close enough to be realistic.

In six months I have lived with the death of my husband, my father, my dog, a friend and parishioner, and been present for the deaths of two babies. I have returned to working full time; counseling, encouraging, leading, teaching and loving as openly, fully, and faithfully as possible. I have loved and parented my children, making sure that they have space to deal with the difficult emotions and space to be happy normal kids. I have had many upgrades and repairs done to my house, purchased a new car, paid off many medical bills and started investing. I have closed, opened, and changed names on accounts, deeds and titles. I have cared for my house, my car, and yard- not perfectly- but certainly as well as many families that have two functioning adults.


There are still a few loose ends to tie. I will go to NC for spring break to bring my mother back to Missouri. She will stay with me for a few months. While in NC she and I will purchased headstones for David and Dad. I still need to file my taxes for 2008. David usually did our taxes, although the past few years I would do them and he would check them. This may be the year I hire an accountant. I have one last medical bill that I am arguing about with my insurance company- it is for the one radiation treatment David had and should be covered. They claim it was out of network, I think it was pre-certified like all his other treatments. Since it is a couple of thousand dollars I will continue to negotiate until I am satisfied. I never thought about how emotionally draining it was for a survivor to have to deal with bills and insurance companies after their loved one had died.

Overall I think that I have managed quite well. Many have told me that David would be proud or pleased. I hope so. The truth is he would probably fuss at me and tell me I need to lower my expectations and shorten my to do list-he often told me this- and he would be right. I recently realized that my expectations for my family, career and home are the same as they were before David was diagnosed. At that time we both shared one full time job. This kept us from being forced to put Sophia into full time daycare and Judson into an after school program. We only needed to put in combined hours for one full time employ, but usually did much more because we loved being pastors. We shared in housekeeping, yard work, and cooking responsibilities. We made sure all three children got personal attention. We got children to fencing, ballet, theater or whatever activities they had at the time and both of us went to every show, recital, or demonstration they had. We volunteered in the classrooms, school functions, and scouting. I recently realized that I cannot do all that once took two people to achieve by myself and remain sane.

Many things have changed. Alex has moved out, Sophia is not only in school, but in 4th grade, and the positions and hours for my staff at work are smaller. I've never hired anyone to help with cleaning or the yard, but that may become necessary. I have started hiring a babysitter from time to time so that I can have an occasional night out with friends.

In many ways I feel like the first six months I needed to deal with all the paperwork and adjustments that a death brings. Now I need to look back and evaluate so that I can make the best decisions, not only for my family, but also for myself. I am aware that there is no longer someone in my life that is going to step in and take care of me if I don't do it.

I do have a wonderful support system. My friends and congregation have been amazing. There are the rare exceptions- like the person who told me shortly after David's death that I could give her more time and attention since I no longer had to care for David. I am surrounding myself with people who nurture me and allow me to give back to them in return. It is important to me that I surround myself with healthy relationships with a good balance of give and take. Most of my friends ask me from time to time what I am doing to care for myself. So here is Bonnie's self care list:

1. Music-I play the piano and I play for my own pleasure. Sometimes it is music I play well and sometimes I enjoy the challenge of stretching myself and learning new music. I recently purchased American Tapestry, by Joseph M Martin. It is above my level of competency and I love it! I need to restring my guitar and I toy with the idea of buying a banjo. I also try to keep my ipod charged and loaded. I get my favorite tunes in the car, when I am working around the house. I hate using ear buds, so I use speakers. Anyone around me has to put up with my music!

2. I try to take care of my body with exercise and a good diet. I did not do so well with this during January, but I am doing better. I have a standing Thursday morning walking date with a friend. Tuesday and Thursday afternoons I have workouts at the gym with two other friends. I have another friend at church who wants to start running, so we are going to set a time. I keep a jar of nuts, and dried fruit at my office, so that even if I get to busy to go for lunch I can have a quick snack. I am also learning that I can make a meal for just me and prepare something else for the children. Last week I prepared Maryland crab cakes (thank you Columbia's Kitchen) and sauteed asparagus for myself. It wasn't anything the children would eat, but I loved it!

3. I play facebook. This has had an interesting evolution for me. For about a year most of my facebook friends were high school and college students. It helped us keep in touch and I found that instant messaging seemed to be the best way to do counseling with a lot of them. Then my family started participating. It is a quick easy way to share pictures of growing children and share briefly with everyone little happenings that only people who truly love you care about. Then people from high school, college and seminary joined. The focus became catching up on the past 10, 20, or more years. Now there are a lot of local CoMo adults joining. It is how we plan outings, and know when and where concerts, plays, and art shows are. It has allowed brief personal interactions that I really don't have time to do face to face, or even over the phone.

4. I find quiet. In the quiet I pray, meditate, daydream, fantasize, or just let my mind go blank. At home it usually involves a cup of chai tea and maybe some good chocolate. If time and weather allows, it is found wandering through the woods, taking in the sights, smells and sounds. I look forward to better weather. I would like more time in the woods and some time on the river.

5. I love my friends and family and let them love me. I continue to add friends. Some people choose to only have a few close friends. I love meeting people, learning their stories, and sharing mine. I don't have to see people every day or every week to feel secure in our friendship. However when I am with someone I try to savor that time and appreciate the person or people around me.

I feel a sense of accomplishment for getting this far. Sometimes I feel depressed and overwhelmed. Sometimes I feel desperate for change, or to get to the next phase of my life-whatever it may be. Yet for now, this is where I am, so I might as well live it to the fullest, embracing all the joy, sorrow, pain and hope that it brings.

Weekend Update

It has been interesting to come out of my depressive haze. People are commenting that I am looking better- that I've lost that glazed over look. I guess I am more transparent than I realized.

I have had a wonderful weekend. Sophia and I painted two walls in our library/basement. I should be able to finish the last two tomorrow. I was able to do a little catch up work in the back yard. I need to plan gardening carefully as I look toward spring. It is easy to get overly zealous and do more than I am able to keep going. Last year I have vegetables that I never had time to harvest. I probably need to focus on perennials, grapes, raspberries, and the herb garden. We have a wonderful farmer's market where I can get fresh vegetables.

We have had various kids in and out of our home all weekend. I love it when my children have friends come over. Judson and Sophia are close enough in age so that they have common friends and similar interests. Alex and Lisa were also here on Saturday and Sunday. Alex just completed one show and recently got the lead male role (Orsino) in the university's production of "Twelfth Night." He loves doing Shakespeare and is looking forward to getting his script.

I have been savoring the happier mood, the nice weather, and a house full of people. I am aware how difficult it was to get out of the pit of depression and how quickly it could all change back.

Out of the Darkness, Into the Light

It has been a while since I have written. I had three weeks that were very difficult. I believe it was a combination of the grief process and the winter blahs. There comes a time when getting up in the dark seems too difficult. keeping up with a blog was impossible. The days are lengthening and I feel I have reached a new place in my journey. It would be nice to just leave it at that, but that defies the reason for writing this blog. So here is a brief primer on grief and depression.

People who are grieving are not necessarily depressed, just as depressed people are not always grieving. You can add disthymia and sadness into the mix as a separate components and the possibilities seem endless. I'm self-diagnosing myself with having a good old fashioned major depressive episode. I had felt it building since the holidays began. At it's worst I barely functioned. I took care of my children. More than once I would tell myself that I had to get them to and from school, or the consequences would be worse than the actual driving. We ate a lot of fast food because even opening a can of soup seemed like it would take too much energy. I went to work and did my job. I didn't want to draw any attention to myself by taking more time away. I would catch glimpses of myself in the mirror and know that I was looking rough- makeup was too much trouble unless I was going to be in the pulpit. At the peak I ministered to three families as they faced the death of a loved one. Sometimes it seemed like walking with people through their own losses was the only thing that I had energy to do. While I lost interest in many things I normally love, I continued to love being present for people and their families in their last hours.

It helped that during that time I had Tim and Gina coming in to work on the house. I'm too proud and stubborn for someone to find me wallowing is self pity. I am okay telling people that I cry, but I don't want to be seen when I do. I stopped walking the dogs, and lost my exercise routine. Pounds returned and I started feeling so unattractive that I couldn't stand to see photographs of myself. I was cognitively aware that the images in the photos had not changed. Yet through an emotionally tainted vision it seemed that the images had gained weight and developed dark circles under the eyes. It all sounds pretty crazy now, but at the time it seemed real.

Luckily I was able to recognize that things were not what they should be. Close friends could also see that I wasn't doing well and their support has been remarkable. They seemed to know when to tell me to be kind to myself and let some things slide and when to tell me to pull it together and function. My friends are much more patient with me than I am.

A few days ago I woke up and didn't feel like it was the end of the world. I felt peaceful and content. I wondered to myself, "What's wrong?" Then I wondered what was so wrong that I felt the need to question the fact that I wasn't miserable! I had started accepting despair as my normal feeling. The calm seemed eery. It was similar to what one feels after a major storm. Over nineteen years ago I watched the night winds of Hurricane Hugo bend the trees down and flood the city I where I lived. In the morning, the coloring of the sky was different- there was a green hue- and the air felt peculiar. Everyone in the community seemed to have a connection with the neighbors to whom they had never spoken. We had been through something difficult and we had survived.

One of the differences of the recent peaceful awakening was morning sunlight. It wasn't as dark as it had been in the previous weeks. I had that same type feeling that I had overcome something difficult. The depression that had rested over me like a dark veil was lifted and I could see clearly again. I am sure there will be other episodes, but I know each one will be temporary. Hopefully there will be more days of light then darkness.