Transistion

I feel that I am in a time of transition- to what I am not sure, but I am moving to a different place in life. I have the sense that time is changing. I am running out of time when I could do some really stupid things and people around me would say, "She's been through so much. No wonder she has...." Instead the response will become, "but she is a mother, pastor, functioning member of society and should know better!" After David died I tried to hold it together and make good choices in life. Most of the time I succeeded. I like living in a pocket of grace. But something within me tells me it is time to move forward.

Perhaps it is because tomorrow I become responsible for my mother for a few months. Right now I am at my sister's home on the east coast. Tomorrow I load my children and my mother and drive back to the mountains of Western NC to her house. We will spend a few days there and then go to my home. While in the mountains I will help her sort through some of her things. We will also go take care of getting headstones for the graves of David and Dad. There will be visits with family- I get to see my grandmother. It will be a busy time. I also hope to see a few friends from high school and college. It is a lot to put into two days.

I have enjoyed my time on the coast with sisters. Two of my sisters live here and the other flew up from Florida. There has been sharing of music and stories. We've made sure that the children have gotten to do some touristy things. They have enjoyed the beach, museums, boats and the aquarium.

The beaches here are wonderful. I do not care for the beaches lined with hotels, wax museums, and amusement park rides. I prefer them with very few people and a few bungalows. I love walking on the beach. I have often thought that if I got started on the Maine coastline I could walk to Florida. I think differently on the beach. My thoughts are bigger. Things seem possible against the waves, sand and salt water. I think that I could become very self centered living here. I usually gravitate toward people, but I can be perfectly content alone on the beach. I could easily become an eccentric woman dressed in gauzy skirts, with several cats, and my unpublished poems and books filling a little bungalow overlooking the ocean. In the mountains or the Midwest I want to be surround by friends and family. I see myself one day writing another chapter to my life with partner. On the beach I could be single forever and write stories with the characters in my head. Each tourist that came to town would become a character in a story I would build around them.

But tomorrow I drive west, away from the ocean. I go back to the role of care taker, but this time a parent rather than a spouse. Another chapter begins.