Single Mom

I have written several times about the difficulties of being a single parent. I have heard many theories about children growing up in single parent home and few of them are positive. I know many adults, who have come out of single parent home, who are emotionally stable, have a strong moral code, and contribute quite well to society. I also know many adults who have come from two parent homes that are paying (or should be paying) a lot of money to work through the damage that came from growing up in a two parent family where one or both of those adults were unable to parent well. In a perfect world children have two parents that are physically and emotionally healthy adults. This world is not perfect. Alex's father and I separated when he was three. I married David the week before Alex turned six. Now I find myself once again parenting on my own.

When I was alone with Alex I bristled at every "single parent home" critique that I heard. I was in seminary at the time. It was a school in the process of change from a focus on superior education to a focus on "conservative family values." It went from being listed as one of the top five schools for seminary education (probably by Money Magazine- they do a lot of those lists) to a place that receives more notoriety for statements their president makes than their education. It was in the process of transforming from a place where women and men received the same education to a place where women were encouraged to only take classes that were appropriate for their gender. Liberal theology, women in inappropriate roles/careers, and single parent families were sending the world to hell in a hand basket. Since I was single by a divorce that I chose and not single by death or abandonment meant that I, with child in arms, had carelessly ran straight into the flames. There was much conversation about children needing to be raised by two parents of differing genders. When I would point out that not ever single parent chose to be single- there were those who were widowed, abandoned, and those who decided to give birth rather than seeking abortion (another popular downfall of society at that time) the recommendation was that they find a husband quickly. It was wrongly assumed that single parents were women.

It wasn't just at school that I heard criticisms of the single parent family. Through the media I learned that our children were more likely to become pregnant teenagers, do drugs, drop out of school, and pick their noses in public. Single parent families were blamed for overloading the welfare system. It was a time of election and the Christian right, which I found to be neither Christian nor right, was on the attack of the horrible crime that I was participating in by raising my son alone.

I work hard to make sure that my children do not suffer the consequences of living with one parent. I keep their father around through stories and photographs. I remind them of his morals and values. I have a wonderful support group of people willing to help. I make sure that there are strong male and female role models in the lives of my children. I recognize that it isn't the same as have a father at home, but I do my best to keep my kids from falling through the cracks. I try to give them everything they would have in a two parent home, thus I suspect that sometimes single parents suffer the consequences of parenting alone more than their children.
There are some positive things that I find about children from single homes. I recognize that these are generalizations. These are characteristics that can be found in children from two parent homes. Not all single parented children have all of these characteristics. Yet, if you are a single parent reading this, then hopefully it can give balance to all the negative criticism you hear. After all, our choices are to get busy and find someone else to parent beside us or make the best of the situation that we are in at this time.

• Children raised in a single parent home often have to participate more in housekeeping. They learn how to do laundry, clean toilets, cook, shop, and mow the yard. My kids love to clean toilets. They have learned that if one cleans toilets while the other washes dishes or folds laundry the toilet cleaner finishes faster- which is well worth the yuck factor of toilet scrubbing. Thus, they are able to care for themselves when they leave home.

• They learn how to entertain themselves. If my kids tell me that they are bored, I simply say, "Gee, I'm sorry. Do you want me to find you something to do?" They rarely tell me they are bored. They do not look to me to keep them entertained and happy. They do look to me for love and they get lots of that!
  

• They cannot divide and conquer. My kids cannot play me against myself. Instead, they learn to negotiate one to one. Sometimes I encourage this and sometimes I let them know that something is nonnegotiable.
  

• They learn independence. My children see through me that they can do what needs to be done. There is great value in the example of interaction in a healthy marriage. There is also great value in seeing someone overcome obstacles alone.
  

• They learn the basics of survival in our society. My kids no longer have the option of staying at home with Daddy when I get the oil changed, pump gas, go to the bank, or shop. Since they are with me I talk to them about what I am doing. It helps them feel involved, which puts a stop to whining, and they learn about car maintenance, financial planning, keeping accounts, and shopping for value. It is easier to do these things without them, but when they are at school I am at work, so they go with me.
• They learn time management. I can't do everything that two people do. I might tell them, "We need to do these five things, but there is probably only time for two or three. Which do you think are the most important things to do?"

Of course everything above can also be done in a two parent home. I am not trying to make an argument that single parent homes are better. For years in my perfect dream world I was a stay at home mom with six kids and a husband that was happy in his career. I am arguing that living in a single parent home is not the worst thing that can happen to a child. So if you are reading this as a single parent trying to do what is best for your children take heart. Change what you can, ignore what you cannot change, and celebrate what does work well in your family. If you are not a single parent, then be aware of the criticisms that are often made and defend your friends and see what you can do to help.