Halloween

When I have heard about people going through the holidays following a death I never thought about Halloween. I've thought about the first Christmas, birthday, anniversary, but not Halloween. As a minister I know that Advent, Lent, and Holy Week will be challenging without David. Those were busy times for us and we always tried to put a lot of effort to make them special for our congregation. Halloween was going to be a day that I helped the kids get through without their dad.

I spent the first part of this beautiful day cleaning house. I had my music loud, the curtains pulled back to let in the sunlight and the the door to the deck open to let in fresh air. It was the perfect setting for me to have a great day. By noon I felt so tired that I didn't want to do anything but go to bed. I've been fighting a cold, so I thought a nap might be what I needed to get through a busy evening. I laid down and realized that I wasn't tired, I was depressed. I didn't want the rest of the day to happen. I didn't want to dress up. I had plans of being Sarah Palin and had antlers so that Carmen could go as a moose. If David were still alive I am certain he would have dressed as Joe Six Pack or Joe the Plumber. It seemed like a fun idea a few weeks ago. Instead I wanted to keep my sweats and tennis shoes on for the rest of the day. I compromised and put on jeans with an orange tee and Halloween socks-not a costume, but not checking out completely. I cried on and off through the day. I went through my memories and pulled up every detail I could of the Halloweens we spent together. David was a pirate our first Halloween together. I can't remember my costume.

Judson had a good day at school and seemed happy in the afternoon and evening. His section at school had a party for kids that had done well during the grading period. He told me about the games and activities he did. Sophia's school allowed students to dress up in costumes that represented some aspect of American history. She wore a Native American costume that I sewed several years ago. They also had a celebration. She seemed a little sad and complained of being tired. She asked if she could skip orchestra, but she had already missed some classes last month. I found it interesting that the one who decided to skip the holiday was having a better day than those of us who had decided to go ahead and celebrate.

Lisa and Alex came over and gave out candy. Judson spent his evening in the basement with PlayStation. Sophia's friend Melissa and her dad Jeff came over for supper and to trick or treat. The four of us along with Carmen (who wore her antlers) walked through the neighborhood. The girls collected way too much candy and even Carmen got a few treats. Jeff and Melissa knew that we were feeling sad, so we didn't have a lot of pressure to be "fun." We made it through the night.

If Halloween was this hard how are we going to make it through the big holidays? David's birthday was December 26th. Mine is one week later. Christmas, New Years, and our birthdays came as a group. I also wonder about election day. I realize it isn't a major holiday, but it was always an important day to us.

Some days are going to be more difficult than others. We can plan ahead. We can decide on the coping skills that we will use, but until the day arrives we do not know how we will feel or respond.

Since You Asked: Tear Stoppers

A while back I wrote about my concerns with not being able to allow myself to cry. I am doing much better. I am not crying often, but I am allowing the tears to come when they need to fall.
A reader recently wrote the following,

From comments on Trail of Tears, 10/02/08: "While browsing the web I came across your article. I have the opposite problem - I cry too easily! When answering or asking someone a question, e.g. teacher or doctor my voice goes shaky and tears come in my eyes. If I get a chance to breathe, I am sometimes able to hold back the tears. But if I have to keep talking this leads to crying. If you have any tips on how you cut down on crying they would be greatly appreciated."

First let me say that crying is healthy and is an important part of being human. We were created to cry. The act of crying releases stress, anxiety, toxins, and lessens depression. However, tears can come at inconvenient times and cause problems in our social and professional lives. I don't want to discourage anyone from crying, but it is helpful to have ways that can help you control the tears when needed. What works for one person may not work for another. Try various techniques and see what works best for you.

* If you are a person of faith pray for a sense of peace, calmness, and confidence. As a minister I usually pray something poetic and theologically sophisticated like, "Okay God, I'm going to need some help in here." In other words, just talk to God. It doesn't have to be formal. God meets us where we are. It helps me to know that I am never alone.

* Breathe. Breathe intentionally and slowly. Breathe deeply (but quietly) through your nose and blow out through your mouth. Practice doing this when you are alone, so that you feel like you are truly in control when you are using the technique. If you aren't accustomed to quiet deep breathing you may feel like a bull with flaring nostrils, or that you are having an asthma attack when you use it in public. That will not give you a feeling of self control! Practice so that when you are deep breathing those around you will notice nothing but a sense of calmness. Imagine you heart rate slowing down and your blood moving peacefully, but strongly through your body. If you do deep breathing exercises before going to sleep, after getting out of bed and a few times through the day, then when you use it in a stressful situation your body will know what to do.

*Speak slowly, strongly, and lower your voice to a deeper register. Breathing exercises help strengthen your voice. If you know ahead that you are going into a situation where you usually cry, practice speaking aloud before you go. If your voice raises in pitch, practice lowering it. Look the person in the eye and have good posture. This will make you look and feel confident. If it is too difficult to make eye contact then you can look at their eyebrow or forehead. Notice how their eyebrow looks weird? Don't let someone with a weird eyebrow intimidate you! (Everyone has at least one eyebrow that looks strange if you stare at it long enough!)

* Give yourself a time and place to cry. When we stifle our emotions they may appear at other times. If you haven't cried in a long time, it may be harder to hold back the tears when your body needs that release. Telling yourself that you can have a good cry when you get in the car or get home will sometimes help you stay in control.

*List the situations where you feel you cannot control your crying. What do these situations have in common? Is there a real or imagined cause? You mentioned being tearful in front of teachers and doctors. Some people see these people as authority figures or people who will examine you and pass judgment. Remind yourself that they are just ordinary people with specific training.

* If it can be appropriate laugh. (see eyebrow above) Laughing tells others and ourselves that we are at ease.

*Know that everything isn't about you. If it is a doctor, know that they may see over a hundred patients in a week. You are probably not going to be that memorable. If it is a teacher they often have even more students. They are usually grateful for any student that takes interest in what they teach- even if the student doesn't understand it. If someone speaks disrespectfully to you, then they probably speak that way to everyone. That doesn't make it right, but it does mean you don't need to personalize it. If someone is mean, rude, or aggressive I usually assume; they treat everyone poorly, they are having a bad day, they have many problems at home and work, and the elastic in their underwear has lost its stretch- causing their underwear to slide to uncomfortable places. Notice how they shift their weight from foot to foot? Notice the frown lines in their forehead? They haven't worn comfortable underwear in weeks! (inappropriate laughter can be good, if you are able to keep it to yourself)

*If the tears come, swallow hard, cough, or yawn. Sometimes we can distract our body and redirect it. Excuse yourself for water or to blow your nose if needed. DO NOT berate or belittle yourself. This will only increase the likelihood of tears.

* Finally if you cry in front of someone own it. Don't apologize. You can say something like, "Excuse me. I'm having a difficult day." and then continue. Owning what is happening will sometimes give you a sense of control, allowing you to pull it together. There is no need for a lengthy explanation or repeated apologies. This will just make both of you feel awkward.

Support Team and Holidays

The Cancer Club had our first Support Team meeting for kids last night. It was a small group, but Judson and Sophia left very excited about the next meeting. They really like Tiffany and were glad to get to meet others who are dealing with similar issues.

I have been trying to discern why it seems that I am having a more difficult time managing time this semester. I know David's death has left me with one less adult in the house, but it has also given me more free time. I no longer have to come home during the day to prepare his lunch or drive him to medical appointments. Last semester Alex was at home and could pick the kids up from Lee or music lessons when their schedules coincided. Of course, Judson and Sophia are at two different schools. I am still making up work from my bereavement leave. I jumped right into things and have tried to keep thing going as normal, while trying to go back and catch up on what was missed. Then there are all the dental appointments we've had. I will continue to organize and reevaluate my time. There has to be a better way than what I have been doing.

Judson had his braces put on today. We've already broken a bracket. He was nervous about brushing his teeth for the first time with braces, so I did it for him. I must have been too rough because a piece of metal flew into the sink. We were able to get it before it went down the drain. I will call the orthodontist in the morning and schedule a time to get it fixed. Thankfully Dr. Twaddle seems to be very patient.

Carmen and I are doubling our distance in our evening walks. We are running more each time. Tonight she wanted to slow down before I did! I felt like I could run all night. I need to get back to the gym. I've been doing weight training for years and have had pretty good upper body strength. I stopped going to the gym when David's health started declining earlier in the summer. I was lifting him and repositioning him often enough so that I was able to maintain strength. After he died I had a lot of home projects that served as my workout. While I am improving my running, I haven't been doing anything else. I've been trying to see where I can work in some visits to the ARC a few times a week. I like weight training because it is so easy to measure progress.

Sophia almost has her Halloween costume completed. She has made a knight costume, but still needs to paint it silver. She was going to be Joan of Arc, but since she couldn't do an exact replica of her costume, then she is going as an anonymous knight. As I have been thinking about Halloween and Thanksgiving, I have become aware that more than anything I want some normalcy. I don't want to decorate our home for holidays. I want everything in order as it would be for everyday living. We still haven't gotten there and it seems wrong to add seasonal decor to chaos.

Holidays will be harder without David, but there is almost a sense of relief that we don't have to try so hard this year. For the past few years we have been so aware that each holiday could be his last, so we tried to make each one special. This year we can be as low key as Sophia will agree. Judson seems comfortable keeping things calm. Sophia, like me, enjoys creating a good celebration, but this year I just want easy. I am tired of so much of life requiring so much effort. I am ready for simplicity.

It has been another busy week. Many days I have left home around 8:00 am and haven’t returned until after 8:00 pm. I hate leaving Carmen at home alone that long, so that means I give her a good walk in the morning and another good walk at night. All of this walking is good for me too. I don't know if I would be so faithful to exercising for myself, but I feel so guilty about leaving her all day. Guilt is a good motivator for me- not a healthy motivator, but an effective one.

This week I attended a continuing education event about doing ministry with people who are mentally ill. It was mostly attended by pastors and chaplains. It was nice to catch up with people I haven't seen in a while. Most had heard about David's death, but a few had not. One person asked me how I felt about the words widow and single. I prefer to refer to myself as a widow at this time. That may change, but at this point I still find part of my identity in relation to David.

I got my appliance for my dislocated jaw this week. The dentist guided my jaw back into its proper place and fitted a mouth piece to hold it in place. I'm only supposed to remove it to eat, but I negotiated removing it for preaching as well. He tells me that I will learn how to talk around it so that no one will notice, but I have my doubts. There are also the questions of where I am supposed to keep my tongue and how to talk without spraying people.

We spent Friday evening at Artrageous. Several studios, stores, and restaurants exhibited the work of local artists. Orr Street Studios had the work of Lee School students on display. My friend Mary generously offered to take the kids for part of the night so that I could have some adult time with some of the other moms.

The kids and I agreed that we would spend all of Saturday at home catching up on housework. We spent most of the day focused on their bedrooms. Things progressed well enough that they were allowed to have friends sleep over. It was great to have five people around the dinner table again.
The Cancer Club's group for kids that have had a parent die starts this Monday. I am so grateful for Lisa organizing this and for Tiffany's donation of time. I am not sure how many families are going to participate. I have taken information to various organizations that might know of children that need the group. It has been nice that as I have talked with other professionals that many know Tiffany and have talked about what a great therapist she is. That gives me great hope.

Crazy

It was easier to blog when I did it on a daily basis. So much happens within a few days that should be shared, but there just isn't time. Time has become a high commodity for me. I try to be careful with the investment and where I trade it.

I recently received an e-mail from a person who is grieving asking the following, "Is it a normal part of grieving to feel like you are loosing your mind? I am becoming overly emotional, angry, overwhelmed, and a little bit paranoid. Maybe a lot paranoid. I'm having an overwhelming desire to run away, but desperately trying to hold it together." There was more in the letter, but that gives enough for me to address the topic here, without divulging too much.

It is a common part of grieving to question your sanity. Grieving the loss of a loved one is difficult and sometimes lonely work. If you are the only one in your social circle or place of employment dealing with the grief it is easy to feel like you are not living a normal life. Even if others around you are grieving it is often silent- not talked about. It can appear that everyone around you is coping well, while you are falling apart. Today Judson and Sophia talked with me about how sometimes they are laughing and playing, but on the inside they feel very sad and depressed. We talked about how we can't always judge how a person feels based on how they look. Most of us work hard to appear "normal" especially when we feel like we are not doing well emotionally. It is easy to feel overly emotional in a world where people hide their feelings. If we are not accustomed to dealing with sadness, loneliness, anger or other emotions then those feelings can seem overwhelming.

I've had grieving people tell me that they heard, saw, smelled, felt, or sensed in some way the presence of their dead loved one. Some have vivid dreams that make them question their reality. Some people forget-although briefly, that their loved one is dead. Last night as I was finally leaving church I briefly thought, "David is going to be irritated with me for getting home so late." I was immediately surprised that I had that thought. Sometimes I find myself scanning my e-mail messages to see if my dad has sent a note. I am very aware that they are dead. It is similar to when a person looses a limb. They may still feel pain or itching even though that part of their body is gone.

Paranoia can be common when you've had several difficult things happen close together in your life. There are times when several things go wrong and I feel like something or someone is out to get me. This feeling is especially strong for me when I am trying to do all the right things in life; be kind to people and animals, pay bills on time, work hard, eat well, exercise, give to charity etc. and things continue to go wrong. What helps me is being aware that everyone suffers. The knowledge doesn't take away the pain, but keeps me from feeling like the world is out to get me.

Wanting to escape and feeling obligated to be strong and well for friends and family (especially children or people for whom you are responsible) are common. Give yourself opportunities to "run away" so that you can refocus and gain energy to continue. Prayer and meditation, reading a good book, watching a movie, going out with friends, exercise, and playing the piano are ways I escape for a short time. These little treats give me some fun to reflect back upon and something positive to anticipate. These opportunities can be difficult to create if you are a parent or caregiver, but they are important to strengthening your mind, body, and soul. Even a fifteen minute walk around the block can be healing and energizing.

Finally don't be afraid to ask for help. Especially if you continue to question your sanity. There are counselors and support groups available in most communities. Check with your pastor or mental health center for a referral. If you can't find a support group, you can start one. It doesn't have to be led by a counselor. It can be a time when people with similar grief issues get together to listen to each other. It may be as simple as gathering with 3 or 4 other people for coffee once a week to hear that they are having similar feelings.

Change of Address

I'm moving- at least my blog is. The new address is http://www.myservantsong.com/ Both addresses will work for a while. When I started writing it was simply to update people on how David was doing. Once he died, I realized that I wasn't finished writing. I can no longer give an update on David, although I suspect that he is the best he has ever been. I do think it is important to share my journey as I learn how to walk through the grief of the deaths of both my husband and father.

Death is one of the events in life that everyone experiences. It isn't a topic many people like to discuss. In our culture we have removed ourselves as far from death as we can. Not too long ago, people gathered around those who were dying and participated in the care of them, both before and after death. Today we rely on professionals to deal with death. We want medical professionals to delay the inevitable, sometimes at great emotional and physical cost to the one who is dying and to their family. We forget that at some point we need to stop fighting death and walk with people so that they can die with grace and peace, surrounded by love. Once the person has died people often call the funeral director immediately to remove the body from the home. We then pay to preserve the body, so that it would seem that they are not dead but sleeping.

There comes a time when we should no longer see death as the enemy, but as a reality that we all must face. I am a lover of life. I don't think we should run forward and embrace death. At the same time I also realize that we can not run away from death with any permanent success. As a Christian I do not believe that death has the final word. It is an end to life as we know it, but it is also a beginning. We do not know the details of what will follow.

For those of you who heard Muriel preach at David's funeral and wanted to know when she would preach at Bethel again- I've got a date for you. Muriel will preach at Bethel on November 2nd. This is sermon is part of our Stewardship campaign. It is a Sunday where members will be making their pledges of financial support of the church. Guests are welcome, but know it is not a typical Sunday.

Crying Opportunities

I saw The Secret Life of Bees last night. I loved the book. I had checked it out from the library, but fell in love with it, so I had to by my own copy. While a movie is never as good as a book, it was very good. I met a group of women at the theater. We sat together and laughed and cried. I was able let go and allow myself the tears that were shed for the women on the screen, as well as for myself.

After the movie we gathered at my house for a book/movie discussion. I knew the discussion might easily get skipped, but once we started we were able to sustain the focus for quite a while. A good story will relate to our lives in a personal way and help us to see our own story in a new light. We sat for hours sharing the story of Lily, Rosalee, August, May, and June, as well as our own stories. There was good discussion on forgiveness and feminine imagery of the divine.

Shortly after the last person left someone returned to my door. My friend Carol told me there was a young man in my driveway that was drunk and needed a ride home. I called my son the college student and asked him if he could find the number of the group that picks up drunk students and gives them a ride home. Then I explained to him what was happening. After talking to the kid we learned that he only lived a few blocks away, so it seemed silly to call someone to pick him up. I wasn't afraid to give him a ride, but I didn't want to risk having someone vomit in my van. Carol and I decided we would walk him home. A good brisk walk is what a drunken boy needs! So after midnight a drunk college student and two women of a certain age start off on their journey. Carol told him about her five children and gave him lots of good advice on how to avoid a hangover. She told him several times to be sure to drink a lot of water and to take vitamin C. I had grabbed a jacket that I had set aside to donate to our jail ministry. I encouraged him to put it on because it was cold and he was wearing shorts. Finally, he looked at us and said, "Please, just go home. I can make it now." We refused to leave him alone until he crossed Bearfield Road. He had not been expecting to pick up two over protective mothers. I am sure we were quite the buzz kill. It felt like we were in a Saturday Night Live spoof.

After the movie my friend Nancy and I were talking about her daughter's travel adventure and blog. She asked if I had read the blog excerpt her daughter had written from South Africa when David had died. I had fallen behind on Melissa's blog during that time and had recently caught up with the entries for the past month. Once I had settled for the night I went to Melissa's blog and read about the challenges of dealing with grief from a distance. For the second time that night I found myself freely crying. I was deeply touched and I hope that somehow David has been able to read it. If your interested in reading Melissa's entry on grieving when you are far from home go to http://southafricancrew.blogspot.com/2008_08_01_archive.html and scroll down to Saturday, August 16, 2008

Today was the one month anniversary of the death of my father. I still look for e-mails or phone calls from him. This is one of the mixed blessings of living away from the home of the person who has died. Denial comes much easier, but then the re-realization of the death hits hard every time.

Alex and his girlfriend Lisa have offered to take Sophia and Judson for sleepovers tomorrow night. The kids are very excited. Judson is hoping for lots of video game time with his big brother. Sophia is excited about staying in a women's dorm at Stephen's College. I am going to go see The Secret Life of Bees and then gather with some friends to discuss the movie and book. This is the first time I have invited a group of people over since David died. Before we were married it was not unusual for me to have a group of people over at least once a week, sometimes more. I loved opening my home for dinners and study groups. When David and I got married we entertained less. I am comfortable in having a group over and having several of us in the kitchen cooking and sharing stories. David thought that if you invite people for dinner then you don't have them participate in preparing a meal. He wanted the house to be perfectly clean before inviting anyone. I don't offer perfection to anyone, because it isn't who I am. I am still in the middle of redecorating and remodeling, but that should stop friends from gathering and having a good time. I look forward to opening my home to people. It is another step in finding myself outside of who I was with David. I try to do the things that we enjoyed doing together, but I also try to do the things that I had stopped doing in life because he didn't want to, or because cancer interfered.

His voicemail message is still on his phone. It is now Judson's phone. I should help him change the message, but I like to listen to it. It is only a few seconds of David's voice, but it is nice to hear. I have CD's of him preaching, but I haven't listened to any of them. They would be too long. I have video recordings of him at birthdays, holidays, and other occasions. They would be too much right now. The voicemail message is just enough.

The slide show has pictures taken last month when I was in NC for my father's funeral.

Canine and Teeth

I have just finished writing the wedding service for this Saturday, so I am rewarding myself with some blog time.

We have been working on our million dollar smiles. I saw a specialist yesterday for TMJ disorder. Since my jaw is easily dislocated I am going to have to be fitted for an appliance. Unfortunately, I don't think this appliance will have an ice maker or a wrinkle guard setting. It should eventually alleviate my facial pain, and episodes of my mouth locking closed. Judson will be getting braces a few days before Halloween. Sophia needs to grow more before she gets her braces, but unless unexpected changes happen, she will need braces too. This is a new world to me. David, Alex, and I didn't have braces. Alex will play a role in our million dollar smile production. He gets to have his wisdom teeth removed over Christmas break.

I've been dealing with the grief relatively well recently. I am staying very busy and that helps. It also means that the grief sublimates and appears in odd areas of my life. I woke up a few nights ago and realized I had my hand on Carmen's chest, checking to see if she was breathing. I used to do that with Ashley. She would sleep with her eyes open and her tongue out of her mouth in her last year. I don't think I ever checked David for life until he was dead, and even then I knew he was gone. I felt for a pulse because it seemed like the right thing to do. I felt like I was so in tune with him I knew when he had a few more hours and I recognized when he was in his last minutes.

The other incident also involved Carmen. I had to make a quick trip back to the church yesterday evening to pick up a few items. I took Carmen along. She is normally a very well behaved dog. I took her in the field behind the church to play for a bit. Normally we toss, chase, and retrieve. I was on the phone with my sister, so Carmen did not have my full attention. Dogs and children do not seem to value my skills at multi-tasking. Carmen started running faster than I could keep up. She ran through the cemetery and to the other side of the church where I could not see her. I went after her and called her, but I didn't get a response. I circled the building and could not find her. I started the engine to my car in hopes that the sound would cause her to come back. I felt an irrational sense of panic. Traffic was heavy because it was between 5pm and 6pm. What if she ran into the road and got hit by a car? How would I tell the children? How would I manage another death? What if she ran away and I never found her? As the questions rushed through my mind I knew that I was being irrational. Carmen rarely leaves my side. She follows me from room to room and cries when I leave. Still, it was a moment of panic for me. I think both of these experiences show my fear of having another death or loss in our lives. It isn't something I consciously think about, but it is there in the back of my mind. I am glad my anxiety is playing out with my dog rather than my children. They do not need to have me obsessing over them.

A Busy Week

If I shared all the details of my week you would not believe me. You would be shocked, and appalled. I know this because a few people who have witnessed my week have said they are shocked and appalled. Suffice it to say that some events have occurred that I have tried to manage with love and grace. These are not major events, but more like nagging mosquito bites. Otherwise in life, my floors are complete on the main floor with the exception of the master bath, which I'm hiring out and replacing the baseboards, which I want to paint before putting them back. I've rearranged the furniture in my bedroom, making it mine, rather than ours. I am not anxious to get started on the basement floors, but they will need to be done soon. I will make sure I have a few days off from work before I start that job. I do not want another week like the one I just finished.

Friday marked two months since David’s death. It was a busy day. Since Friday is my day off I worked on catching up on some loose ends. I went to the funeral home and paid the balance for David's funeral. I went to the hospital and paid off the balances there. I had some papers from a psych research project in which my church members had opportunity to participate to deliver to one of the offices at Ellis Fischel. I took the opportunity to go up to second floor and see some of the staff that had cared for David for the past few years. It was a bittersweet experience. I had been taking David there for several years at least weekly, and sometimes more often for blood draws, chemo treatments, and transfusions. As we shared hugs and kind words I became teary and could have easily had a good cry. Once again, something within me clamped down on my emotions and I found my self joking and laughing through tears.

The weekend held a rehearsal and a wedding. This is not the first wedding I have officiated without David. There have been several. This is the first wedding as a widow. Thankfully I have known this couple since moving to Columbia six years ago. David and I have loved them from the day they welcomed our children to town. It was a joy to share in this time of their life. The reception was nice and I was surrounded by friends. One of the other widows from church pulled me aside and checked to see how I was doing. I was okay, but it was nice that she was aware that it wasn’t easy to be there without David.

Sophia had a lot of questions after the wedding about the service that David and I had for our marriage: “What color did your bridesmaids wear? What kind of flowers did you have?” We didn’t have bridesmaids or flowers. We had friends provide music and read scripture. Family made and carried in banners that David had designed. David’s sister Judy made coverings for the communion table and pulpit made from a tapestry fabric that had a print of children from around the world. Two large banners of Noah’s ark and a rainbow were made by our friend Susan and hung on the walls to represent God gift of second chances. David, Alex and I entered the church and walked down the aisle together. We had congregational singing. Our friend and favorite professor, Molly officiated. We bought various types and colors of breads and served communion together. We made our vows to each other in a worship service where God was center. It was nice to talk with Sophia about our wedding and the reason we made the choices we did.

Since Friday was the tenth of the month I decided to skip the rehearsal dinner and go home and be with the kids. I couldn’t imagine smiling and making light conversation. Alex had picked up Sophia from orchestra and brought her home. It turned out they were not aware of it being the second month anniversary. I’m glad because the 10th of November is Judson’s 12th birthday. It is okay that I mark each month in my mind, but they don’t have to do so. They were excited about an animated movie they wanted to watch; more lightheartedness that I did feel like being around. I opted to meet my friend Mary at the Columbia Entertainment Theater to see How I Learned to Drive, a play about a girl who is molested by her uncle- not lighthearted. It was a very powerful show and well done. The director, a fellow parent from Lee School invited us to join the cast and crew at Flat Branch after the show. Since childhood incest had been the center of the night I felt like my grief wouldn't be out of place with this crew.

We had our first family portrait without David done on Sunday. It is earlier than I would have preferred but the opportunity was too good to pass. Friends of a local photographer who died of cancer this summer held a photo shoot for families in one of the neighborhood parks. The occasion was to honor Sarah and serve as a fundraiser for one of her favorite charities. I knew that the first photo sitting without David would be challenging, who better to do it than a group of photographers who had recently been touched by death of a friend. I've gotten to meet many of our local photographers since I perform wedding ceremonies and Columbia has a lot of talent. Normally, David would have chosen what everyone would wear for a sitting. It was always an ordeal matching color and style closely, but not too closely to avoid cheesiness. I told the kids to put on jeans and clean shirts with no logos and to comb their hair. We talked about how it might be hard, but all agreed this was the best time to go for it. Our photographer was Anastasia (Stacy). I was familiar with the work she had done with babies and was immediately comfortable with her. I told her, “My husband died two months ago. If we are smiling that is great, but if we are not, then that is okay too.” She understood and so there was no pressure to smile- making it easier to do so. Within a few minutes we were done, exchanged hugs with the photographer, and we were past another first.

I hope to make time to call my internet company and get my connection fixed. Unfortunately, it means at least an hour at home where I am on hold and restarting a router that I've already restarted. There are certain steps they always want us to do before they try to fix it. I have usually done those steps several times before I call them. It may be time to switch providers. Again, this is stuff that David would have handled. I don't care how it works, I just want it to work!

A Balancing Act

Working full time as a single parent to two children is going to be harder than I thought. Especially children that have recently experienced so much death and loss in their lives. They need extra attention and time to feel secure. They need to know that I am always available for them. I was hoping to ease back into the job, but that unfortunately has not been a choice I could make. Yesterday, the kids did not get home until after 9:00 pm. Judson had chess club, then Sophia had violin lessons after school. When they were finished we had time to grab some supper on the way to a meeting. Tomorrow will be similar. I want them to have their evenings at home. I could hire a sitter, but right now they need a parent.

Today we got to eat supper at home, but I had to get all of the furniture out of the living room and dining room for the flooring guy tomorrow. Sophia and Judson helped as much as they could and Alex came over to help me move the big stuff. They did get to practice their piano lessons before I moved the piano into the breakfast room! I've left a voice mail for one of my muscular young adult friends with request that he help Alex and me move the furniture back into place tomorrow night, and then remove the furniture from my bedroom. My bed is heavy, so I really need the extra person. I will rip up the rest of the carpet after the furniture is out. I should be able to get the baseboards off tonight before I go to bed.

Meanwhile, my internet service is down at home. Once I got the kids in bed I came over to the church to work on the newsletter, the upcoming weddings, the stewardship campaign, and to check e-mail. I brought Carmen with me because I don't like being in the parking lot alone. I was able to get my to do list done faster than I anticipated, so I am allowing myself a little time to blog.

I am really missing the emotional support that David gave. I miss having a sounding board to talk through thoughts and ideas. I try to spread the need out among my friends, so that one person doesn't get too overwhelmed. I miss having another pastor beside me to go over the events of the day once the children are settled and the evening is coming to an end. I miss having a warm body next to me when I wake up in the middle of the night and it's cold. I miss having someone who might remind the children to brush their teeth or finish their breakfast while I am showering in the morning. Too often Judson and Sophia will start talking about something and forget they are on a tight schedule in the mornings. I've learned that if I get up 15 minutes earlier and shower before I awaken them the morning goes more smoothly. I sure would like that extra fifteen minutes to sleep!

I am planning on running in the Jingle Bell Run in early December, so I need to start training. There hasn't been time to really exercise the past few days. I've taken Carmen on a fast paced walk, but shorter than our usual walks. She is accustomed to two long walks and has only been getting one. I also need to continue working on lowering my blood pressure. It has been going up instead of down. My eye doctor told me he could see some vascular change that could be related to ongoing hypertension. I have to make some changes. I have dismissed most health concerns because I'm young and healthy. With David's death I have to pay attention- besides that is what a responsible woman of a certain age does. I really want this to be related to stress and grieving and for the problem to go away.

I have now been back at work for one full week. I have not taken a full day off during that time and I do not see one in the near future. One of my goals is to set some firm boundaries for myself and my time. Right now I have a lot to make up from being gone for so long. This isn't the best time for flooring to go down, but it needs to happen. Once that is done it will be finished. Unlike a lot of my tasks it won't have to be done every week or every day. Within a few weeks I should be able to manage my time better. If I can't do it for myself I have to do it for my kids.

I hope this doesn't sound whiny. I love my kids, my job, my church and congregation. I could easily dedicate my life to any of them. I am not overly distressed or discouraged. In spite of high blood pressure readings I feel fine physically. I am grieving, but not as one without hope. However, there is only one of me. I am having to learn how to do all of this without my partner. I am sure that I will make many mistakes as I work through this, but that is how we learn. I can keep a career, raise two school age children, keep up with my college student, work through our grief, exercise, eat well, and keep up with my home. I just haven't figured out how to do it yet. I know God will provide strength to do what needs to be done and wisdom to discern exactly what and how much.

Sunday Morning and Future Blogging

My first Sunday back in the pulpit was fine. Thank you for all the notes of support. It was good to be back. I'm already looking forward to next Sunday's sermon. Bethel is an amazing church. I have never known a congregation quite like them. I'm not saying they are perfect, but they are full of love and grace. They seem to be able to accept people where they are and give each person the chance to discern for themselves where they need to be.

Alex and Lisa came over and helped me remove all the carpet and baseboards from the living room and dining room. They were amazing and a lot was accomplished in a short time. All I have left to do is my bedroom. The flooring is sitting around the house adjusting to the humidity level. It goes down on Wednesday. I need to set up a time with the Overshiners to finish the tiling in the master bathroom that David and I started several years ago. Then all flooring on the main floor will be completed.

The upcoming week is going to be busy. There are many meetings on the schedule. Many of them are because I have been away, so hopefully in a few more weeks it will be more manageable. It is challenging to find time to get with people who are not available during the day. Every pastor has office hours during the day, but if a parishioner isn't available during the day then it is expected that time be found early morning or evening. It is one of the few professions where you are expected to always be available. To think I have been accused of only having to work a half day on Sunday and that since it is worship it isn't really work! HA!! It wasn't a problem as long as David or Alex was at home to keep an eye on Judson and Sophia. It is more challenging since I have their music lessons and afterschool activities to work around. There are lessons or orchestra on Monday, Thursday, and Friday from 5-6. On Wednesday I take Judson to orchestra, pick up Sophia, return for Judson, grab supper, and go to church. They do not get home on Wednesdays until after 8:00 pm. I want to limit the time that I take them to the office in the evenings. I'm sure I will find a way to balance it all.

I plan on keeping the blog going for a year from David's death. I think sharing the first year can be helpful to me as well as informative to people interested in learning about the grieving process. I also plan on doing some backblogging. I don't think that is real word, but it's descriptive of what I want to do. I've learned that there are many women reading this that have husbands with cancer or other life threatening health concerns. I read everything I could find when David was sick. I wanted to read about the successes and I wanted to read about people's difficult experiences. I wanted to know I wasn't the only one whose life had been changed so dramatically by cancer cells. I wanted an idea of what I might expect in my future. I am glad to share some of our journey of five years of cancer; some of the choices we made that worked for us, and some of the things I wish we had done differently. It is history in which everyone will not be interested, but for many I think it will be helpful. I will label those posts as blackblogs, so that those who only want to read what is going on now can skip it.

However, in spite of my interest and willingness I am back at work full time and I am a single parent. This means I am not going to have consistent entries every day. I may have several days without blogging because of having other obligations. So, if I miss a few days do not worry!! I am going to be fine. I might struggle, but that is part of the process. You can check for new entries from time to time, or you can go to the bottom of the page, subscribe, and receive an email when there is a new post.

Developmental Stages

I remember once as a teenager deep in the midst of adolescent angst promising myself that I would never forget what it felt like to be me at that time in my life. My thoughts were centered on how I would treat teens when I became an adult. I did hold on to the memory of those feelings. I kept them in mind as I worked with adolescent psychiatric patients. I remembered them as I have worked with groups of teenagers in various churches. Most importantly I have held on to those emotional memories to help me be a better parent.

I feel like a teenager again. If you think that is great, then you're not remembering clearly. I find myself hiding in a daydream world. I find myself teary without warning. I worry too much about what other people are thinking about me. I'm not certain where I belong. I say things and then later berate myself for saying them. My face is even starting to break out again.

This part of my life is truly new territory. It is more than just losing David as my companion. It is losing him so completely. I am having to learn once again who I am and what I want out of life for myself and family. In marriage your partner shapes your activities, your interests and who you are in life. I knew over the past few years that I was slowly losing David. I never thought about how much I was changing in the process. I think it is growth, and that I will come out better and stronger on the other side of all of this, but the truth is I don't know the person I am becoming yet. I can't stay the same woman who was David's wife. I can't go back to who I was before I met him.

I have to give thought to what I really like to do. Once at a class reunion someone asked if I liked being a minister. I raved on about how I loved the work, the people, the community, etc. One of my friends rolled her eyes and said, "That's Bonnie she always 'just loves' whatever it is she is doing at the time." I felt bad, but wasn't sure why (maybe her sarcastic tone- maybe that she seemed to want me to be unhappy). After giving it some thought I realized I usually do always love whatever it is that I am doing. It is a choice I make. If I am going to wash dishes then I am going to enjoy it. I love my pattern of dishes. I love seeing things become clean. Whatever the task we do we should do it well and have fun with it. It is a good way to live, but I am needing to make some choices, because there isn't time to do everything. Some things need to be delegated, hired out, or dropped. I'm not talking about career changes.

I am referring to daily tasks and hobbies. Do I really want to keep all the yarn, fabric, beads, papers, etc that fill my basement? Do I really enjoy sewing, crocheting, making jewelry and other activities? I haven't had time to do any of this stuff in years. I need to decide what I want to continue and give away the rest of the stuff. I know I love music. I am trying to make time to practice piano and guitar. It is nice to have music playing in our home instead of the televison. I love gardening, but have a hard time finding time to get things done. Weather and daylight dictate gardening time. I know I do not like reupholstering furniture. That was something David loved and I was along for the ride- but I liked it when we did it.

Another thing that takes me back to my teen years is men. At some point in my life men stopped giving me a second look, flirting, or really noticing. I assumed it was because I was married, had three children, and was a woman of a certain age. That was certainly okay by me. It was surprising the first time a nice looking man passed by and commented "What beautiful eyes", to realize that he was referring to the child I was carrying in my arms, not me. But after a while, I didn't miss the attention I had gotten as a young woman. It was nice to just be a person.

Men I know have been great. They have been appropriately supportive and great friends. I am starting to notice that men I do not know are making eye contact and smiling more. Sometimes they say flattering things to me. Usually they say stupid things, that they may think is flattering. Last night a complete stranger walked up to me and said, "Has anyone tonight told you that you are just precious?" Where did that come from and why? The obvious answer is the several beers he probably had earlier. Another man a few weeks ago suggested that we go camping sometime. This was immediately after he learned I that was a widow. No "Gee I'm sorry." or "Was his death recent?" Nope, he responded with an invitation. That was just bad manners and poor social skills. I admit it gave my girlfriends and me something to laugh about.

Still, this is new to me. I am not sure what is different. I am still a mother and a woman of a certain age. I am no longer married, but I still wear my wedding ring. I've been going out with groups of friends for several years, often without David if he wasn't feeling well and didn't get any of this attention. Last night it could have even appeared that I was with one of my male friends. We were a small group that could looked like we were paired. Maybe it is a simple as a woman who has not had a complete night of sleep in months (years) looks different from a woman who is sleeping through the night. Maybe I am seeing what has always been there, but didn't notice before. Maybe I am giving off some type of single woman vibe (good grief!! I hope not). Whatever it is, it makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable. It is also a very inconvenient time in my life.

So here I am in adolescent angst, pining for someone I will never have again, writing in my diary, listening to sad music and feeling physically and socially awkward. Thankfully I had a great group of friends when I was a teenager and I have a great group of friends now. It got better once before. I know it will again.

I don't have a entry ready to post yet. I've got two started that I will try to finish later tonight. I'm meeting friends for the Roots, Blues, and Barbeque Festival this evening, so it may be tomorrow. Several people have called expressing concern because of the lack of posts. I am okay, but have been very busy. I am grateful for your concern.

Trail of Tears

I've been thinking a lot about crying lately. Mostly I've been thinking about attitudes toward crying, particularly mine. I am really not a gifted crier and I think I probably need to improve my skills. As you read it may seem that I cry a lot. Actually, instead of crying I get teary. That means the tears come to the eyes and throat, but do not come down the cheeks. A hard swallow and a few blinks and I am finished. I do that when I am around people, but oddly enough I find that I am doing it when I am alone.

Several things have happened that make me think I might need to loosen up and have some good cries. I had a physical this week and my blood pressure is high. High enough for my doctor to suggest I go on medication. Low enough for me to negotiate waiting a month to see if I can bring it down without meds. I already exercise and eat well. I taught stress management classes years ago. I know I need to add deep breathing and find a release for tension.

I also have a friend who made a CD of songs for me. This is a beautiful collection of classical pieces for weeping. He told me he listens to music and watches sad movies to have a good cry sometimes, because it is cleansing and feels good. This reminds me of times when I would feel nauseous and David would suggest that vomiting would make me feel better. When nauseous I go to a dark room, breathe deeply and slowly and work hard not to be sick. I don't think I've ever vomited and felt better. I take the same approach with crying. I only do it when I can't do anything else. If a man in his twenties can make time to cry, surely a widow of a certain age, can do the same.

I am very comfortable with other people's tears. Many of you who are reading this have cried in my office, home, car, or yard, in restaurants, sanctuaries, hospitals, and/or over the phone with me. I've ran into people in the mall or at a playground and within a few minutes of talking their tears start flowing. I usually carry tissue, because it isn't unusual for someone to start talking and soon the tears come. I am touched when people allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to cry around me. I try to be a safe person for people who need a chance to release emotions. I don't usually feel the need to try to get people to stop crying. I view it as a healthy and needed response.

At one time I was good at crying; too good. I cried when I was hurt or sad I cried when other people hurt. I was a very empathetic child. More than once I had teachers at school talk to me about crying too easily, instructing me to toughen up so that I would be able to make it through life. As an adult I've had periods that lasted years where I didn't cry. Sometimes, this could be embarrassing. It is embarrassing when you are the only one in a room crying, but it is not any better to be the only one who isn't crying.

I imagine I gave up crying for many reasons. "Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about," a popular adult adage given to children when I was young certainly didn't encourage emotional cleansing. I suspect the years I worked at the psych hospital taught me to suppress tears. I listened to detailed story after story from teens who had been molested, raped, and beaten. Many couldn't remember a time in their lives when they were not being abused. I learned to put my feelings aside and focus on the one telling the story. If I showed too much emotion or shock it could cause them to stop their story. After a while I was rarely shocked by anything I was told. I stopped having private crying sessions in my office after meeting with a patient and focused on helping and healing.

I cried a lot toward the end of my first marriage. I finally hit a place where it just didn't bother me anymore and I stopped crying. It was over. I signed papers and stopped crying. I remember Alex telling me he was glad I wasn't crying anymore. He was three and I thought that I had hidden the tears from him.

David once questioned me about crying early in our relationship. We were not dating, just friends. He noticed that when I was verbally attacked by someone who didn't think a divorced woman should preach and felt God had personally called them to cleanse the temple of "feminazi's," that I would usually respond politely and calmly. I refused to argue- it was pointless. The more aggressive a female became the more they felt justified in portraying us as angry "men hating" feminists. I refused to cry. I wouldn't allow them that power over me. That would only reinforce the belief that females were too weak and fragile for leadership roles. So I listened, debated calmly, if at all, in hopes that a calm voice might be heard and respected. Southern Seminary was not a very friendly place for women who did not know their places when I was there. When I matriculated I was entering one of the top five schools to receive a theological education in the United States. I left as the last woman to graduate that particular school with a Master's of Divinity in the pastor's track. I remember David asking me if I ever felt angry or hurt by the things that were said to me. I reassured him that I was not a robot and the words did hurt and anger, but it seemed dangerous for me to show any emotion.

David invited me over to his apartment one afternoon to watch "The Color Purple" That was the first time I cried in front of him. He recognized it as an act of trust. He was usually comfortable with my tears. Still, more than once my tears would make him angry. We rarely argued, but if we did I learned not to cry. My natural response to an argument is tears. Especially if the argument is with someone I love and whose love and respect I value. I don't remember my parents arguing or expressing anger toward each other. I am sure it was there, but I wasn't privy to it. Disagreements can be scary for me. If he became angry and raised his voice or spoke sharply to me I would become tearful. He would identify my tears as an attempt at being manipulative. I was simply responding out of anxiety and fear. These incidents were rare, but powerful.

As a public speaker I have learned to push back the tears. Sometimes my voice will shake and break. Sometimes I can feel the tears come to my eyes. Usually if I breath deeply and slowly they will go away. It is important to me to be able to do this, so that I can communicate clearly. It isn't that I think crying in front of a roomful of people is bad. I just want to be heard and understood clearly when I speak. When I officiated at my younger sister's wedding I was unable to control the tears. I was so overwhelmed by emotions. Later I met a man who had just learned that I was not only a minister, but sister to the bride. He told me he had thought that maybe all female ministers cried at all weddings.

And so, I have had much practice at purposefully not crying. Without even thinking I push back tears when they rise. I have a couple of friends that I might cry freely around. There are situations when I have felt free to cry. When I had to call friends and family to tell them that David had cancer I cried easily. When I learned another cancer treatment had stopped working for my husband I was comfortable crying in the exam room. Crying at the funeral and the first few weeks after David's death was not only safe, it was expected.
I got another week to freely cry when I learned that I was going to lose my father to death. Otherwise, my eyes usually stay dry. So, imagine my discomfort in the past week when I run into someone, they ask me how I am doing and my eyes fill up with tears. I am surprised when I am talking to someone and suddenly my voice breaks and I have to swallow back tears. There is nothing specific to trigger the tears. I am often very teary, but I do not often just let go and cry.

If I were my own pastor or counselor then I would reassure myself that the grief is still new and that the tears will continue to come for a long time. I would talk about how tears have feel good hormones like prolactin and natural analgesics that relieve pain. I would talk about how God created us to cry. I would talk about grief hitting us at odd or unexpected times and that is a normal part of the grieving process. I believe all these things, and yet seem to hold myself to a different set of rules.


Now my goal is to stop swallowing tears and to let them flow- at least when I am alone. I will try not to stress over getting this right!

Caffeine, Weeping, and Gnashing

I'm afraid this blog is getting boring or depressing. My intent has been to let people see into a real person's life as they deal with grief. Yet how much depression can a reader take? Each night I think that tomorrow will be easier.

I went back to work today. I actually started the morning with an early coffee date with a girlfriend. Kind of a back to work kick off. Hot chai is magically delicious. Yes, I'm one of those people who makes coffee dates and then orders the chai tea latte instead. I guess I don't really like coffee, but I love cream and sugar. Add a flavor and it is even better; so I make a pot at home every morning and drink it throughout the day. That may be why I go with tea when I am out. David had to teach me how to make coffee. I never could drink it black like him.

Lectionary group was good. In ten days I will be preaching on judgement and being thrown into outer darkness with weeping and gnashing of teeth. :-) http://divinity.library.vanderbilt.edu/lectionary/apentecost/aProper23.htm It isn't a pericope that I would normally choose, but that is one reason to use the lectionary. The lectionary offers a great Philippians passage that is of the "don't worry be happy" format that would be easy to preach, but who wants to preach easy stuff? Where is the fun/challenge in that? If I value all scripture then I have to be willing to struggle with all scripture, not just what tastes sweet in my mouth.

During our discussion I happened to realize I actually know quite a lot about weeping and teeth gnashing and have very recent experiences, from which I can glean wisdom. I awaken in the middle of the night with my jaws clasped tightly together. Opening my mouth is pretty painful; too much gnashing. I'm still in a place where tears come to the surface pretty quickly. So I am actually working at not weeping and gnashing. I want to talk without my voice cracking or shaking. As for being thrown in outer darkness...I am there sometimes, but never alone.

The afternoon was spent catching up on mail, phone calls and organizing. My former secretary's last day of work was the day of David's funeral. I asked a new mom to come in and work as a temp a few hours each day. She can bring her baby to work (an added bonus for both of us). I am pleased that she has not left the building screaming. It can't be easy to start working for someone who is gone your first six weeks of employment.

The Wednesday night learning hour was interesting. Bob volunteered to show Dekalog (The Decalogue) and then lead a discussion. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092337/ This is an older Polish film series, directed by Krzysztof Kieślowski about the ten commandments. It is abstract and edgy; the type of series I would be interested in doing, but think that it might be too "out there" for some. I am sure it does stretch some people beyond their comfort zone, but a learning hour is provided to stretch us. My thanks to the team that pulled it together. I think it is going to offer some good discussion and learning opportunities. It also gives me several more weeks before I have to come up with syllabus for the rest of the year.

Back in the pulpit again

I finally stopped working hard at being okay and just went with the gloom. I just didn't have the energy it seemed to take to be okay. Sometimes we can work hard at being okay and in the process we realize that we really are okay. Other times we can try, but it just doesn't work. I haven't felt like writing, blogging, talking, walking... It is easy for me to say I am sad and then make jokes about my dark mood, as I did in Friday night's post. It allows me to be honest about how I feel, and then make everyone feel better about it. It is harder to own that I am depressed, when I'm not finding anything amusing about it. I don't like that it is hard to get through a conversation without getting teary. I really want to skip this part.

Stores have started putting out Christmas merchandise. I still haven't decided how we are going to do Halloween. We are one of those families, where everyone dresses in costume. Usually one of us would stay home and the other take the kids out. As Alex grew up he became the official candy distributer. Sophia is working on a Joan of Arc costume. I have a few ideas for myself, although I wouldn't be opposed to just skipping it and be an adult this year. Judson has no interest. I can't begin to imagine Thanksgiving and Christmas. Advent at church is not so difficult because the focus is on Christ, not on family.

While I haven't been writing, I have been busy. (and really is that such a bad thing? Since David died I have spent more time writing than sleeping!) I've been at the piano and have done some composing. I've been on the phone. I have secured appointments with optometrists, pediatricians, orthodontists, hair stylists, etc. I am trying to take care of some loose ends before I return to work (in a few hours!)

Wednesday I am officially back at Bethel. Of course, I have already been working on this Sunday's sermon. October will be busy. I have two weddings this month and have accepted one night to be on call as a chaplain at the local hospitals. I need to go through David's computer and see if I can determine how to update the church's website, so I can teach the secretary. I'm getting a late start on planning the Advent season. I usually have things planned out in advance, but I may have to only work ten days out until I can get caught up again. I'm sure it will all come together. I'm planning on scheduling some weekly hours at one of the coffee shops downtown to make myself more available to our university/college students. I had hoped to have some late night hours this semester in one of the local restaurants for a weekly theology/ethics dialogue, but I don't want too much time away from the kids just yet. For now we will have to discuss the meaning of life in daylight over a cup of hot fair trade.

I've been asked by many if I am ready to go back to work yet. Who knows? I know that I always do whatever needs to be done. I miss the people and the work. It isn't going to be easy, but I don't think many things will be easy for a while. I also know that I live a fuller life if my focus is not on myself. The most dissatisfied, unhappy people I know are often centered on their own lives; their likes, dislikes, comforts, and discomforts. These people can never be satisfied for long. I won't deny the grief that surrounds me, but I won't let it consume me or define me. How would that improve the quality of life for me, my family or anyone else?

We picked up Ashley's ashes from the vet today. Sophia and Judson have decided they want to keep her ashes on the mantle. We need to plan a service for her so that they can have a sense of closure. The thought of another funeral-even for a pet, just makes me tired. Neither of them remember a time when Ashley wasn't a part of our family, so this is important.