Thank you!

Just an addendum to today's post.

As Sophia and I were driving to Rocheport we passed Ellis Fischel Cancer Center. Sophia called out, "Good bye Ellis Fischel! Thanks for taking care of Daddy!" I am glad she is able to express gratitude in the face of loss. I am glad that she recognizes that so many people worked to give her dad more years than we had originally expected. So even in grief we say, "Thank you friends! Thanks for the prayers, love, and support. Thank you God, for the extra time and the wonderful community of people around us, both then and now."

It was so good to be on my bike again. The Rocheport trail is beautiful. Barb lives in Rocheport and usually meets us in Columbia after work if we ride. Since it was a day off for her we met closer to her home. When we were making plans I was doing it because I knew I used to enjoy it, not because I wanted to go. Once I was there I was glad I pushed myself. I'm ready to get out on my own again.

Sophia talked a lot about grief on the way home. She explained why she felt sad at a party last week; almost all the kids were there with their dads. She talked about how it isn't that he died and stopped doing things with us, but how he had to stop doing so many things years ago. She wasn't complaining, but just stating her observations of her life. I am glad that they both continue to talk about their feelings and that they are patient with me when I have my bad days. I shouldn't brag, but my kids are amazing!

A Better Day

Today has been a better day. We began with an early worship service. I enjoyed being back in worship and sitting in a group of people with the same focus. I confess that as the scriptures were read I found myself choosing the one I would preach (the Romans passage) and putting together a rough outline in my mind. The sermon was good, so the minister didn't need my mental notes! Sophia and Judson seemed to enjoy the service. Thanks Jay and Lisa for sharing your church with us!

When we got to the car Sophia asked, "What was that? Were we at a Catholic church?" While Bethel is very liturgical for a Baptist church (we follow the lectionary, liturgical calendar, and a formal order of service), it is still a Baptist church. We are a denomination that is centered in Christ, but strong in freedom of thought and belief of the individual church and each individual. In other words, no one is going to tell us what to do how to do it, or when to do it.

My kids had never experienced true liturgical worship. We went to a coffee shop afterwards and talked about the differences in the many ways people worship God. Lisa had asked me if my kids had been to churches other than our own. I had replied, "Oh sure." I was thinking of the many churches I had attended in seminary as part of my education. I studied African American Worship and African American Church History. Both of those classes required that I attend various styles of worship. But all that was before Judson and Sophia! Alex has had a variety of worship experiences. His favorite was the African American Catholic church I worked with in Louisville. We were usually the only Anglos in the sanctuary besides the priest, but Alex didn't seem to notice. He loved the liturgy being sung with a soulful beat and clapping hands. David and I always savored the chance to experience differing worship styles. Our American Baptist national gatherings always bring diverse styles of worship. Organizers are always certain to include the many forms of worship found in our diverse group. Judson and Sophia had attended some of those, but it has been many years and they were very young. Those national worship experiences were one of the many things that cancer had taken away from us. Our last one was 2005 in Denver. Our pictures from the trip show that David was on chemo with steroids. He had tired eyes, thinning hair and the puffy prednisone face. The kids remember more about our side trip to the mountains than worship.

I've spent the afternoon in my closet. It is starting to come together. I should have it finished in the next 24 hours. I've built some extra shelving, since I don't need all the hanging space. I've looked at numerous pictures of closet makeovers. As I was putting my shoes away I realized that most of those pictures usually only showed a few pairs of shoes- nice nondescript pumps. None of those pictures include a pair of hiking boots, grass stained mowing shoes, snow boots and flip flops. So it isn't going to have the elegant look of the photos when it is done, but it will be great for me.

I'm finally going biking. I need to finish this post so that I can put the bike rack on the back of the van and drive to Rocheport. Sophia and I are going to meet our friend and biking buddy Barb and spend some time on the Katy Trail.

I am grateful for a better day. I have felt more like myself. I suspect having some structure to my day has helped. It is also good to see a project like the closet coming to an end. I do better with structured time than free time.

A Taste of Eternity, then Back to Earth

One of the good things that has come out of David's death is hearing from so many people. I have gotten e-mails and cards from David's extended family, former school, business, and church friends- some whom I have never met. I have heard from friends with whom we had lost contact. Ann and Dawn- David would love that you found us. Friends from high school and college who didn't know David have grieved with me. I have also gotten notes of support from some of my facebook only friends. These are people that I haven't actually met, but we have joined the same interest groups and gotten to know a little about each other through that. Though we've never met I am still getting notes from some, reminding me that they are praying for my family.

A family I ministered to this summer shared a vision their father had in his last days as he was in and out of consciousness. He told them that people didn't have names in heaven because they didn't need them. Everyone already knew everyone. That makes sense to me. I imagine these past twenty days have been like the cyber version of heaven. People are sharing a common bond with me, and though I know some well and some not at all, it doesn't matter. Every interaction is welcomed. Each email brings a sense of being a part of a much larger community.

Meanwhile, back on earth...another day of depression. I bagged up more of David's clothing (which there is still a lot), threw away more medicines (I think I finally got rid of the last bottle) and weeded one of the vegetable beds. I finally gave up trying to accomplish anything and went back to bed in the afternoon. The kids were quite content with the piano, play station and each other. I realize that I have every right to be depressed or tired and it's really okay to spend a Saturday afternoon in bed, but I hate it. (It's also okay for me to have run on sentences that are poorly structured. I'm a grieving widow and thus, do not have to edit) It is such a waste of time. It isn't like I'm getting quality sleep, or that I'm reading, watching movies, listening to music, or enjoying it in anyway. I am just there because I do not want to be anywhere else. I finally got up to get some coffee and a friend called about church tomorrow. I will be joining the Scribners for Lutheran worship. I know which door they enter, which side they sit, and so it should be pretty easy to do.

After finishing coffee I called my friend Laura and told her I had to get out of the house before the bed swallows me whole. I didn't really want to go out, but I am fearful that if I don't push myself, I could easily slip into wallowing in self pity. Which again, I realize is okay, but I am fearful if I go there for too long I won't come out. We decided on our default gathering place-Flat Branch Pub. It's where we go, when we want to go somewhere but don't really want to decide where. It's like a comfortable pair of old shoes. This meant I didn't have to dress up, but I had to change out of the worn shorts and tee, and brush my hair. Of course, lipstick and earrings were a given, because I was married to David Casto for 13 years. That means I rarely left home without either, and that I have learned to keep an extra pair of earrings in the car, just in case. I needed to put some effort into looking "normal." I checked in with the kids and asked them if I looked like I had spent the day in bed. They both told me I looked great except for my eyes. The eyes looked sad, even though I was smiling. They are very perceptive. It's good we had decided to be straight forward with them about cancer and death. They would have seen it. It was good to be back at Flat Branch and to talk, laugh, and cry a little.

When I got home I went through David's e-mail and closed his facebook account. He never deleted old mail or junk mail. His Outlook boxes were a mess. I scanned for anything new of which I might need to be aware. David never liked getting rid of anything. When I would start to pass on a bag of baby clothing to another family he would get teary and say, "But I remember when they used to wear that!" I think he saved every paper he wrote in seminary. He kept stacks of papers filled with information that could be found easily and without clutter on the internet. So, it wasn't surprising that he kept every sent to him. Going through his belongings-even cyber stuff- is going to take a long, long time. So all you pack rats reading this, "Use it or lose it! It's just stuff." Some of it is important stuff, but I am having to go through a lot of unimportant stuff to make sure I don't miss anything.

Downsizing a Family

Another day of being tired. I actually fell asleep while waiting in the parent pick up line for Judson. We are staying in town this weekend. A three day weekend doesn't usually mean much to us because I always work on Sundays, so I felt like we should do something. The kids said they wanted to stay home, which is fine. I had thought about taking the kids camping but they were not interested. We got a larger tent at Christmas time and I haven't put it up yet. Of course, now we don't need a larger tent. The old one is big enough, but if Alex and Lisa ever want to come with us it will be nice.

The tent is one of the many things that seems oversized now. We don't need a house this large for only three people. I had gotten the van because I was tired of trying to put five people in the CRV. Again, not an issue now. Orchestra should start soon, so hopefully I can get a carpool going again to help justify the size. Grocery shopping is different. Today was my first time doing a full shop since David died. I've made quick runs for a few items, but we've had so much food brought to us that we haven't needed to buy anything. My cart was different; no fatty processed food to try to entice David to gain weight. Judson and Sophia are pretty health conscious. They compare nutrition labels on their cereal boxes in the morning to determine who has made the healthiest choice. They will eat junk if I buy it, but do not complain if I don't. Anyway, downsizing our family is an adjustment. At one time I was hoping for six kids-I was interested in fostering or adopting hard to place children. I love the idea of a large family and I believe I am a good parent.

While out today I saw nurses from Ellis and University that had taken care of David. It was nice to see them. We spent so much time there, that it seems odd not to have a weekly appointment. I miss seeing them and knowing what their kids are doing.

The piano was delivered. I probably put in close to three hours playing today. Last night Judson (who knew a new piano was going to be delivered) made a deal with Sophia (who had no idea). He let her practice first yesterday with the agreement that he could practice first today. What a stinker! When I picked him up from school I offered him the option of going home before I got Sophia, or going with me to get Sophia, then going to Walt's (a bike and wilderness store that is having a sale), and finally the grocery store. He opted to go home, giving him the chance to be the first to practice, without taking advantage of his sister.

I didn't post this last night, because I fell asleep before I finished. This morning I remembered to make coffee. I haven't for a few days, so maybe it isn't just grief and depression making me tired, but also caffeine withdrawal. Sophia is making omelets. I taught her this morning and she picked up the skill quickly. Judson is playing piano.

I am going to end another post without any good thoughts to share, just an update on daily life. However I have been contemplating how David's death has given me a "foretaste of glory divine." Tune in next time...

Correspondences

I just finished five e-mails that I had started either before or right after David died. I noticed that my drafts mailbox had several pieces in it. Most of the letters were ones that I thought I had finished and sent. Meanwhile I have a ton of e-mails from the week David died that I want to answer, but I haven't had time to get to all of them. Several people shared stories about David that I had not heard. Don't give up on me if I haven't written back. I am trying to be faithful about the blog. I know if I stop I will get several calls from the east coast from people who want to know if I'm okay. I also have many thank you notes to write. These are difficult, but important to me. So again don't give up on me. I will respond. As for the voice mail messages, well if you want me to call back please call again. There were too many for me to keep up with and most were calls of encouragement where the message left said there was no need to call back.

Today has been a low energy, depressing day. I should probably kick back and watch a movie or nap, but that seems so wasteful. I'm still sorting through David's stuff. I imagine it will take years, but I do want to finish the clothing soon. I spent the day at home, except for picking up the kids and a quick run to Lowes with Alex. I need more Pergo and he was going to help me load and unload. Unfortunately the color that David and I had chosen is no longer carried by Lowes. I will have to google and make a few phone calls to find it, or something that will match the flooring I've been storing in my garage.

Alex came by to help me and had supper with us. He has some great classes this semester. The biological anthropology class is my favorite. He also has a couple of theater classes (I think one is theater and society) and a films class. It was good to have the four of us together. The younger kids really miss him.

I've decided to stay in town for the holiday weekend. I have the choice of being Lutheran or Methodist on Sunday. I keep drifting off to sleep as I write this, so I will close without actually saying much, other than grieving can be tiring, even when one isn't doing much.

Oh, and I found a home for the piano!

Free Piano to Good Home (and more thoughts on death)

Even before David was diagnosed with cancer we would have conversations about how we wanted our death to be. We had both spent time with people as they died. In seminary David volunteered at a home for men who were dying from AIDS. Many of these men had been abandoned by family because they were gay or addicted to drugs. The home created a family, so that not one had to die alone. David would talk to them about their desires and concerns of death and the arrangements they wanted to be carried out after their death. He would also sit beside them and just be present, because few want to face the unknown alone.

David would often tell the story of our first funeral. As we were standing at the head of the casket and as the last people were filing out I leaned over to him and whispered, "I like this!" What I meant was that I liked to be with people in the midst of their dispair and offer them hope, peace, and comfort. He would tease me saying that I had a dark side and loved to see people suffer.

Our favorite death (doesn't everyone have a favorite death??) was an older woman who was not part of our church, but took a liking to us. She had cancer and knew her time was limited. She would often talk with me about death and dying, with great joy and anticipation. We were called to the hospital to see her. We gathered with her family around her bed, held hands, and prayed. When the prayer was over, she was gone.

Other times, people would gather around a dying person and sing hymns. I've learned that if someone is dying many intensive care units will allow an entire choir in a patient's room.

Music was an important part of our lives. David had an incredible voice and would serenade me with shmaltzy torch songs when we were dating. We both began our college careers as music majors. I began piano lessons when I was five. By twelve, I was a church pianist, and in high school I was the accompanist for the school's choirs. David loved for me to play the piano. When he was sick, I just didn't have much time to play, but I had imagined that in his last days I would play often. I had a list of hymns and classical pieces, as well as a few torch songs that I thought I would play in the next room while he had a few days of being unconsious. Instead I spent his last days trying to help him get comfortable. It often seemed that by the time I changed him, cleaned him, medicated him, fed him and got him in a position that didn't cause much pain, then it was time to begin the process again. He would often want pillows and cushions rearranged. I would spend about 30 minutes rearranging and moving thing around for him, only for him to end up in the same position in which he started. He only had about a day where he spent most of it asleep. I didn't play the piano once.

Yesterday, while I was taking care of some errands I decided to stop at The Music Suite and pick up some new music to recapture some lost skill and technique (and because music is just so wonderful). I chose several books; Liszt, Kabelalevsky, Billy Joel,and book of jazz style hymn arrangements. As I went to the register to make my purchase the store was the busiest I've ever seen. The phone was ringing, and people were in line with questions. I knew it would be a while before I could finalize my purchase, so I wandered over to the pianos. I played on several, and as always I was amazed by how different pianos feel and sound. It seems each instrument has its own personality. I didn't realize the store had emptied again. The owner asked if I wanted to take one home. I laughed and said "Sure!" I told her I would really like a digital piano that had the feel and sound of an accoustic, but allowed my kids to plug in earphones, but that I hated the feel of digitals. Judson and Sophia both take piano lessons. Judson plays viola in the orchestra and Sophia plays violin with the Missouri Strings Project. When practicing there often seems to be a volume competition between the piano and a stringed instrument. The store owner encouraged me to try one of the digitals, pointing out that the keyboard is sized as a piano and the keys are made for a single piece of wood like pianos. I thought since I had already played most of the pianos in the store, I would play a little on that one, make my music purchase and leave. I leaned over and played a scale. It felt and sounded good. Then I tried a little bit of a Mozarat Sonata. I sat down on the bench,and played few measures of a hymn, some Kabalevsky, and Chopin and I still liked it. She told me she could look up the sale price for me. I told her I was scheduling someone to tune my piano that I had bought when I was in seminary for just $300.00, but to go ahead and get the sale price for me. My piano is adequate. It needs tuning and a few notes stick, but I've learned to put up with it. When I really needed to play I could always use the piano in the sanctuary at church. She asked if I was a minister. Her father was also a minister. We talked about the challenges and blessings of growing up in a pastor's family. We talked about David and how the children were dealing with his death. I bragged about having Jimmy Tucker, the best church pianist ever, not only at my church, but also as my children's instructor. I left with a new piano scheduled to be delivered on Friday morning.

I haven't thought too much about David's life insurance. It is to be used to pay off the many bills that have accumulated, repair the house, and be invested for our future. I've had no desire to get a new wardrobe, upgrade electronics, or any other splurge. But what a wonderful splurge I made yesterday! David would be so excited for me and the children. Sophia went home with a friend after school, but I took Judson to the store and showed it to him. He was so ecstatic! I think he likes this better than any gaming system we could have bought. He asked if we could not tell his sister, but let her come home from school on Friday and be surprised.

So...I have a piano to give away. I figure I've gotten much more value from it than I paid for it. It needs tuning (all do once they are moved) and the sticky keys could probably be fixed for well under $300.00. This would be a good opportunity for anyone who has an interest in learning play, but doesn't want to invest money in a new instrument until they know for sure. So I have a free piano that can go to a loving home. Oh, and if you see Sophia, don't say a word!

A Theology for A Time of Grief

When I began seminary one of the terms I learned was theodicy: the defense of God's goodness and omnipotence in view of the existence of evil. Having spent several years working as a counselor with adolescents who had survived childhood physical and/or sexual abuse I knew a lot about the existence of evil. I also grew up learning the goodness and omnipotence of God, not only through church education, but through life experience. I liked the challenge of trying to hold the goodness of God in tandem with the reality of evil. While not every Christian is familiar with the vocabulary, I believe most seek to form a theodicy to understand the world in which we live.

As a pastor and a young widow (yes my dear teenage and 20 something friends, I know I'm not what you would call young, but in this particular context I am very young) I believe I have earned the right to share some thoughts. So here is Theodicy 101, with a little general theology thrown in for flavor.

*Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people. Sometimes, bad thing happen to bad people or good things happen to good people. With the latter we don't sit up and take notice as often. We think that is how it should be. Most often good and bad things happen to people who have good traits and bad traits to their personality. This means a person with a sick body may have not eaten well, exercised, nor dealt with their anger appropriately. Yet someone who has taken care of themselves may also become sick. Someone who has no health concerns may have good health habits, or bad health habits. Taking care of our bodies lowers our risk for illness. Abusing our bodies raises our risk. It's a game of statistics, and there is always the one in a million person who does not get the predicted outcome. We must be careful not to blame the victim. It just isn't helpful.

*Just because it has happened it doesn't mean it is God's will. Too often I had people tell me not to worry, whatever happens is God's will. Not true! I think God grieves much of what happens in our world. I don't think it is God's will that anyone go to bed hungry, that anyone suffer abuse under another's hand, or that my kids argue about the air conditioning in the car. Yet, all those things happen, and happen often. I don't think God has wound up a universe that spins out in a particular way, and that there is no deviation from that pattern. I don't think it was God's will for my husband to have cancer, my children to lose their father, or for me to have to repeatedly clean up after my old dog with bladder issues. However, I do think that God is present in all situations and that God can redeem all situations. We have felt the presence of love and grace throughout our journey. Sometimes more strongly than others, but it has been there.
*Another fallacy; If you have enough faith God will heal you, your husband, your dog, or your overbite. If you don't get the healing, then you didn't have the faith. Or in similar form; If you ask then God will give it to you. This premise makes God our puppet. It implies that if we believe hard enough or correctly then God has to do what we want. This removes the omnipotent aspect of God. Who wants an impotent God?

God has given freedom, not only to humanity but to all creation. This means that I am free to do as I chose, just as you are free to chose your behaviors. Yes we have biological drives, obsessions, and psychoses, but in a somewhat normal human being, we have control over what we do. There is also freedom for other living organisms. Bacteria, viruses, and yes even cancer cells are free to grow, multiply, divide or die. Our behaviors can increase or decrease this freedom. We are linked to one another and to the creation. I am free to drive too fast, live on doughnuts and Corona, and not wash my hands. These choices will have consequences, not only for me, but for others.

When David was diagnosed he was asked if he every wondered, "Why me?" His response was always that he wondered, "Why not me?" Being a Christian does not inoculate us from difficulties in life. When a person becomes a Christian there is still a life to live out on earth before we reach the perfection of eternity. Being a Christian doesn't make you richer, poorer, smarter, faster, or able to jump higher. It is taking up the cross and walking in the way of Christ(that is to follow, not get in the way and impede movement). The benefit is that we do not walk alone. God the divine, became human in the body of Christ. Christ lived on this earth, fully human and fully divine. Those who follow Christ live our lives together as The Body of Christ, doing the work that he began on this earth, living out our daily lives as the hands and feet of Christ. That means we are to bring peace, grace, hope,and forgiveness to a hurting world. God is love and we are to become love. We do not seperate ourselves from the pain and suffering of this life, but embrace it and carry it for one another. Many times when Jesus and the disciples approached troubled people scripture tells us that Jesus was "moved by compassion." Our love and compassion should perpetuate action.

Christians grieve the death of our loved ones. It does not show a lack of faith. Yes, I know David's suffering is over. Having spent most of my time with him, caring for him and loving him, I am very aware of just how much he suffered. That doesn't mean I am glad he is gone. Jesus wept at the death of his friend Lazarus, just before resurrecting him. Mary wept at the cross. Jesus commended the woman who poured perfume and tears over him, washed his feet and dried him with her hair. Tears are a way of detoxing our physical selves and our emotional selves. God created us to cry. My ex-husband's mother sent me some wonderful readings she had saved from when Alex's Grandpa Beal had died. One spoke of our tears and cries being the first way we communicated and that tears come when no words can do justice to what our hearts have to say. (Thank you Shirley- you have continued to teach me over the years)

Jesus also said, "Let the dead bury their dead." There is a time to move on with the life we have been given. We mustn't hang back. The preacher of Ecclesiates (and The Byrds) teaches that there is a time and place for everything. There is a time for mourning and a time for dancing. This is a time for mourning for many of us, but this time will pass. The grief may not leave us, but we will learn to dance again. May our dance be more poignant and thus bring a deeper joy, for having fully participated in the grief.
(those of you who are Baptist may now sing a few verses of "Just as I Am" at this time--every head bowed, every eye closed...)

Things I Didn't Expect

Guess what I've learned! Obama has chosen Biden to be his running mate. I realize that for most of you that is old news, but it's new to me. I haven't been keeping up with the news. In the car I listen to music. I don't watch television, except for the Home and Garden Network. I don't read the paper. I read my google homepage headlines. This includes headlines for religion and ethics, weather, NPR religion topics, Beliefnet, and even a daily guitar chord chart. I had not selected any political news headlines because I had David. David would have known Biden was the selection before Biden knew. He was a political news junkie. I didn't have to keep up with anything. I just had to ride in the car with him or be in a room with him. The television or radio were almost always on. I've fallen out of the political information loop and didn't even realize it. This is something I didn't expect. I can usually hold my own in political conversations, but I realize now that I relied on David and his media choices to stay updated. He cautioned me my sermons would not be relevant to people's lives. He used to warn me that in order to be current and to speak to people in their language I had to enter their world. I complained because he had too many TV's and they were always on. He complained because I could go weeks and not have a clue about politics, news stories, the latest trends or whatever everyone was talking about. We balanced each other well and over the years we reached a happy medium, although I thought we usually leaned too much toward the media side. Judson will keep me balanced. He has been watching the Democratic National Convention. Like his father, he has a great love for politics and current events. Sophia and I will go out and do the hands on social changes, and Judson can keep up aprised on how our government is doing.
That has gotten me thinking about other things that are happening in my life that I didn't expect.
*I didn't expect to lose interest in things that I usually enjoy: Biking, hiking, Facebook, and really good chocolate. I know that is a symptom of depression and it will pass, but when life was very stressful I fantasized about biking and ate lots of chocolate. Facebook always offered a quick escape. In five minutes I could catch up with an old friend, instant message with a couple of my college students, and play a word game or two. I thought those would continue to be my fall back coping skills.
*I didn't expect to time to move so quickly. David has been dead sixteen days. I still think of it as a couple of days ago.
*I didn't expect to miss the life we had together before cancer. I thought that I had already grieved that loss. Yet when I think of him, I don't usually think of him as a sick man. I thought I would feel more relief, but the time caring for him seems very short in comparision to the rest of life.
*I didn't expect all the paper work that comes with death. I'm finding out where to send death certificates, who to contact, and sorting through bills. I met with the benefits representative today, studied investment and financial planning, and made a dozen phone calls. Most of those calls involved me being on hold for eons. I have the anxiety of a student who isn't sure she is getting all here homework done correctly.
*I didn't expect that I would want to be alone so much. I am a definite extrovert. I love being with people and meeting new people. I have a tendency to talk too much and ask too many questions. I love hearing people's life stories and learning what their interests are. But lately I want to be alone with my thoughts. It isn't a depressive alone, but a peaceful, quiet and contented alone. It is nice to think without constant interuptions.
*I thought I would miss pastoring and preaching. I figured I could only stay away about two weeks. Not only am I enjoying my time away, I have become quite protective of it. It is nice to only have a few things on which to focus my attention. I am learning to think in complete sentences again and to focus on what is in front of me. I was pulled in so many different directions, that I had become easily distracted. I will be able to return well rested and better focused.
*I thought I would sleep more. I sleep at night and stay awake during the day, like a normal person. I'm tired when I go to bed and often find myself ready to be alone in my room with my laptop before the kids are ready to call it a day. I wake up a few minutes before the alarm clock and feel rested. I had expected that I would need several weeks with naps to recover from the past few years. This allows me to feel hopeful, that not only will I be well rested, but I will accomplish some good things during this time.

So What am I Doing if I'm Not Working...

the kids are in school, and I am no longer playing 24 hour nurse? Well, I am breathing. Sounds simple, but I sometimes have to remind myself to breath, eat, and drink. I am hoping I will start hiking and biking again. The desire just hasn't been there, which is odd for me. Usually I can't get enough. I thought about taking Carmen our black lab on one of the trails this morning, but remembered all the ticks she brought home last time and quickly lost interest. Instead we went in our backyard, which is usually tick free and weeded some garden beds. I have an abundance of okra, which I am learning is not a popular veggie in Missouri. When I offer some to friends they look like I've just offered them dog poo or crack. I also have a decent amount of grapes. Not a lot, but I only planted them a couple of years ago.

Mostly, I'm focusing on recovering my house. David and I bought this house after he was diagnosed with cancer. It was (still is) a fixer upper . It was in foreclosure thus a great price, and in need of help. We saw great windows, good lighting, ample square footage, and a fenced in yard for our dog and kids. We also saw old inefficient appliances, some odd paint combinations (pepto pink, with teal and lemon yellow), bad flooring, ugly lighting fixtures,and a small kitchen. Almost every problem was cosmetic, so with some work and time we knew we could bring it to a better place. David and I would go to Home Depot or furniture stores when we were dating because we both loved decorating and remodeling. I was fearful of David becoming sicker leaving me to care for the kids and house on my own, so I made him promise he would stick around and stay healthy enough to help me get everything done. He sure did try, but it just didn't happen. We took a tiling class, then ripped up our bathroom and closet flooring. We got the flooring down in the closet, but I have had backerboard with stacks of ceramic tiles in my bathroom for several years. We painted the main floor a nice Lauren brushed suede- or at least part of it. I wasn't able to get the top of the high walls near the stairway. I have ceiling fans and lighting fixtures still in boxes. As David's health failed I had to pick up his daily tasks at work and home. The house was no longer a priority. We would have several months at a time when he could do very little. Then the clutter began. I have some OC tendancies- I've always organized, labeled and alphabetized, but those habits are luxuries. Limite time meant things were stuck in a corner, or spare room to be dealt with later. Our house began to look like it had cancer, with growths of clutter popping up in every room. At one point, I stopped going upstairs to Judson and Sophia's room for about a monthm because David wasn't doing well. BIG MISTAKE!

So, now it is later. I've been cleaning and organizing. Today I finally put away the air mattresses from when we had a houseful of guests. Once I've gotten rid of more junk I get to sand and paint. Then the floors!!!! I won't try finishing the tile on my own. I could probably do it, but if a mistake is made it is difficult to fix, so I'm bringing in help. I am looking forward to ripping up the carpet. I've hated it for years. I can lay the flooring in my bedroom, but will have to call in friends for the living room and dining room.

I need to write thank you notes, but I like the tangible results that I am getting when I get an area completed. I'm hoping that I can get most projects completed before the end of my leave. I'm also hoping I will have time to organize my office at church. Right now it looks like a stockroom in a bookstore. As the clutter clears and a fresh look develops my family is energized, and better able to deal with the stressors of life.

Made it Through a Weekend at Home

The long and short of this posting is that we are moving forward, often with pain, but we move forward none the less. We have times of tears, panic, and depression, but we also joke, laugh, and enjoy time with our friends. We miss David fiercely, but we do not miss cancer and all the problems it brought. You may stop here, or read on for the extended disco version (when I was a DJ in college most of the 45's had a short song on one side and the extended disco version on the other)

We've made it through the first week of school (though only two days) and first weekend at home. Weekends are a big deal to us. They usually center around our church and friends.

Judson is beginning to adjust to middle school. Both mornings were difficult for him. By afternoon I picked up a happy kid who was chatty all the way to pick up his sister. I am a believer in using public transportation, but the kids do their most open conversations when I am driving. Eventually Sophia will ride the bus in the morning and Judson will ride in the afternoon, but for now they are getting royal treatment. In these conversations I learn about Patrick who has the same schedule of classes as Judson except he is in band and Judson is in orchestra. I know that the lunches are better in middle school and that there is only one bully in his section. I know that in social studies they played a game where you had to come up with three ways you are different from everyone else. Judson shared with me he had a fourth way he was different- he was probably the only kid with just one parent, but he didn't want to use that difference. I agreed that he might be, but there may be other kids who have only one parent because of death, divorce, or they just always had one instead of two.

On Sophia's first day she entered a classroom where all the girls sat at one table and the boys were at another. Her teacher told her she could sit wherever she wanted. Sophia went over and sat at the boys table with her buddy Paxton, breaking the gender barrier.

We are getting into a library routine. Sophia checked out all the children's books from our public library about bereavement and death of a parent. She reads them and tells me what she has learned. She analyzes each of us (including herself)reassuring us that based on what she has read what we are doing is normal. Of course I have checked out all available books on becoming a widow (not how to books, but survival books). I had gotten books on parenting children through grief years ago, so that now I have a nice little library on children and death. I had not given much thought to the paperwork and life adjustments of my own life. Turns out there is a lot to learn. Judson checked out five Star Wars books.

Our weekend was spent with friends. Our friends Mark and Patty offered to take Jud and Phia to see the animated Star Wars movie, "Clone Wars." It was a movie Judson was counting down the days to see. Alex and I had been hoping we could avoid it. Mark offered to stay at the theater with six kids (that makes him Saint Mark) while Patty and I went for coffee. So, Judson got to see the movie he wanted with his two best friends. Both of the boys are at a different middle school from Judson. They all have younger siblings that are close in age and all three of our families have had to deal with major health crises this summer. Due to the summer stressors the boys haven't gotten to spend time together. It was nice that they could reunite at the beginning of the school year.

We went to Bambino's for food and music. (the Ostercamp's are great). Alex and his girlfriend Lisa joined us as well as my friends Laura and Doug and Laura's daughter Melissa. It is a treat to sit and talk, enjoy music and food and not worry about how David was doing. For several years I have felt like I needed to hurry through social activities because David would tire quickly if he was out with me, or if he was home he didn't want me to be away for long.

I sent the kids to church Sunday morning, but stayed at home myself. I had planned on attending somewhere. I have several friends in town that are ministers and friends that are active in their churches, so I had several choices of where I could go and see people I know. But the thought of walking in alone to experience worship was paralyzing. I used to go to a lot of different churches alone, but worship was such an important part of the life that David and I shared. I can think of only a few times in the past 14-15 years when we did not go to worship together.
For the remaining time that I am on leave I will try to plan on meeting people before services so I can sit with someone familiar. So all you local readers, now is your chance to invite someone to church who will probably say yes. We don't have to tell your pastor that I'm a pastor, that way you can get full credit for bringing a guest!

Sunday afternoon was spent at the bowling ally with the same crew from Saturday and others celebrating the birthday of a younger sibling who became a cancer survivor over the summer. What a wonderful celebration! It was so good to see our kids laughing, playing, and just being so freaking normal. I don't think anyone who caught sight of them could guess how scary their lives have been. My prayer is that these kids will continue to be gifted with strength, wisdom, courage, and compassion. They are all pretty amazing.

Grief

Grief is a long painful process. The goal is not to "get over" a loss, but to work through it. Grieving involves many emotions that must be felt and it takes time. It cannot be rushed through. I've discovered that in our society grieving is usually a private process. Many of my friends have been surprised by my earlier blog about some of the struggles I am facing. In part it is because I am an emotionally strong person. I have survived many difficulties in life and have chosen to be stronger rather than broken. But one can't just decide to be strong. It takes work. I can't say that this loss is not going to get me down and skip the pain. That isn't being emotionally strong, but living in denial. Denial can be a good short term coping skill, but eventually you have to deal with reality. I believe sooner is better than later. So, I allow myself to hurt.

I believe the weeks after the funeral, when everything slows down and almost returns to normal are some of the more difficult days. In ministering to widows and widowers I have seen them struggle with pain that I cannot take away, but only offer my prayers and God's presence. The dust settles and the loss is more noticable. Meanwhile, the outside world continues as though nothing has changed, but everything is different.

One of my difficulites is dealing with David's clothing. He had a large wardrobe, in part because steroids would cause him to gain weight, then cancer would cause him to lose weight. David also loved clothes. He loved to shop for our entire family. He had a great eye for quality fabric and what looks good on a person. David encouraged me to get rid of his clothing during his last few weeks. He knew he wasn't getting out again and all clothing was uncomfortable. I easily got rid of his "cancer wardrobe." The elastic waisted workout pants he wore when he was to tired for a zipper and belt have been donated. I gladly got rid of clothing that had been altered to accomodate tubes and catheters. But now, I stand in the closet and look at David's suits and wail. Those suits represent the healthy man that I married and lost years ago. I can touch them and it seems like only yesterday we were leading worship together or dancing closely. I don't grieve the loss of a man consumed with pain and sickness. I grieve the loss of a healty vibrant man who made me laugh. Someone else could come and clean the closet for me. Someone else could do a lot of things for me. But there are some things the I must do for myself. One day I will walk in that closet and be able to take away those clothes. It isn't time yet, but unless I keep going back I won't know.

God is making a new creation in me. New creations take time and they get messy. Conception and birth take energy and are messy, but I wouldn't want to skip over either. I will not skip this process either. So when you see me (or any other person who is grieving) I will probably give a ready smile. That is part of who I am. I suspect if I were having a limb amputated and someone I knew walked in I would greet them with a smile and offer them a drink. "I'll be right with you- just having a little procedure here." When you ask how I am, I will say I'm fine. After all, I am where I am supposed to be right now. But everyone needs to know that the grieving doesn't end for anyone after the funeral. We need to be okay out in public. We need a break from the pain, but it is still there. I don't think my grieving process is any different than anyone elses. The difference is I am letting you see what others hide, so that we can all learn together.

North Carolina

Several have asked about our trip to NC. This will be a long post, but we had some long days. One of my generous sisters bought airline tickets and secured a rental car to make the trip easier for our family. The kids and I left early Friday morning and drove to the KC airport. My parents and sister left shortly after we did to begin the long drive back to NC. Our flight to Charlotte was non-descript. I drifted in and out of sleep, grateful that I wasn't driving. When we arrived we realized that Alex's flight left earlier than everyone elses. Not a big deal, because he was flying back a day early. He had not seen his girlfriend for nine long painful weeks while she was at the Okoboji Summer Theatre, Iowa for the summer. Alex boarded his plane and we waited a few hours for ours.

Once we were aboard we were told there was some minor mechanical trouble that would delay our flight. We waited an hour on a hot plane and finally were told to return to the gate area and wait there. Our carry-ons (Jud and Phias bags) had been yellow tagged to be placed under the plane. They told us we could leave the bags there, since we should be boarding again in an hour. An hour later we were told to continue to wait. We would fly out on a different plane, but all luggage and carry-ons would be moved for us. Finally, we were told to go to special services and reschedule our flights. There, I learned that there were no available flights to Asheville. We could be placed on standby for a flight leaving at 10:30 pm. I explained that I couldn't risk stand-by that late at night since I was going to Asheville for my husband's graveside service the next morning. My best bet was to rent a car in Charlotte and drive to Asheville. Not a big deal. I had made that drive many times. I asked about baggage and was directed where to pick up our luggage. My luggage was there, but not the children's luggage.

I went to baggage claims and explained our situation. A helpful woman made several calls and located the bags. I was told wait 15 minutes and then I could get on the road. We were tired and hungry, but hopeful. We waited 30 minutes and got back in line at baggage claims. I explained to another employee about the canceled flight and lost baggage. This one wasn't so helpful. I was told it wasn't their responsibility to keep up with carry-on luggage. I explained again that the last we saw our carry-ons they were being driven on a luggage cart from our scheduled plane to another plane. Again, it wasn't their problem. With my voice shaking I told her that another employee had found the bags. If someone could let me know where they were I would be glad to retrieve them myself, but we had been in the airport for many hours and had several more hours to drive. I was told to leave the counter and come back when I had calmed down. Granted, I had been swallowing back tears and my voice shook, but I had been an amazing example of calmness. I had been ridiculously polite. I refused to leave. This was so out of character for me. David was the one who always demanded good customer service. I have a tendancy to be more passive and allow people to have their "bad days." I suspect had David been with us he would have found a way to get us on a plane. But David wasn't there and it was up to me to make things happen for my family.

I spoke as clearly as possible and told her I was going to bury my husband the next morning and my children needed the clothing in those bags to wear to the graveside service. I explained that if she couldn't help me she needed to find someone who could, because I was not leaving that counter until I knew where my bags were. She became much nicer and for the first time asked me the flight number. Unfortunately, my directiveness left me in a puddle, so Judson and Sophia gave our flight number, our names, and other needed information. I stood their and cried like a lost child. The woman who had assisted us earlier returned from the counter and asked what was going on. She made some phone calls and told me where we could sit while we waited. Eventually Sophia's bag arrived, but not Judson's bag. I returned a third time to baggage claims. This time I didn't have to wait in line. Every employee knew who we were. Again phone calls were made. Finally, almost at 11:00 pm they brought us our last bag. We had been at the Charlotte airport for 10 hours. Baggage claim employees hugged us good-bye, promised to pray for us, and commended me on my patience and the excellent behavior of my children. My parents who left Columbia after we did, were already at home, in bed and asleep as we left the airport.

The service was nice. I was surprised and grateful that so many people attended. My friend Darie did a wonderful job. The gravesite is a part of several plots my father had purchased for our family. I was pleased to learn that they were on the edge of the cemetery near the land my parents once owned. As a child and teenager I spent many hours exploring the woods. My favorite area was a grove of white pines in a little "holler" near the cemetery. It was a perfect place for reading and dreaming. While some of the land had been developed and the pine grove was gone it was still familiar. I had questioned David's desire to be buried in NC. Especially the night before in the airport. I had decided when I was in college that I wanted to be a cadaver when I died. Any part of me that couldn't be used could be cremated and scattered on the Blue Ridge Parkway. Preservation, burial, caskets, and vaults seemed an impractical way to use land and resources. As the service ended I knew David had made the right decision. It reassured family that I had not forgotten them or home and that one day I would return. The children liked that he was just down the street from their grandparents home, which will one day be my home. I promised David before he died that instead of being scattered, my ashes could be buried with him.

Sunday the kids and I were to tired and numb to have a fun day at Cherokee. We spent the day with family and wandered through the beautiful gardens of the NC Arboretum.

Monday Alex flew home. This time he had the excitement of missing a flight, going on stand-by, being in Charlotte Douglass airport when the power went out and alarms started sounding (only for a short time). I visited with my Grandmother Cassida. I am her namesake. She slept most of the time, but had a few moments when she seemed to recognize me.

Later Judson, Sophia, and I started our first journey of being a family of three. Alex is still a part of us, but he has moved into his own home. In a matter of months we have gone from being a household of five to a household of three. We needed a chance for the three of us to discover how to be together. They couldn't rely on an older brother. We didn't have to focus on a sick father. We needed to simply "be" and learn how to be three.

We decided to go hiking at Chimney Rock State Park. We enjoyed the view at the chimney then hiked to Hickory Nut Falls. This is one of the places where "The Last of the Mohican's" was filmed several years ago. The falls were not as dramatic since North Carolina has been experiencing a drought for the past few years. Still, the rock formations were beautiful. The kids felt like they had gone rock climbing. Our next visit we will schedule repelling lessons, so they can really climb, but those have to be arranged several days before your visit.

Our flight home was blessedly uneventful.

post death- learning a new normal

I probably should start a second blog since this is no longer an update on David. I have had mixed feelings about continuing. I love the catharsis in the writing and I hope that it is helpful to people since we all have to deal with the death of a loved one. David and I have believed that no matter how bad something is it can be redeemed. If my grief can be told and therefore be helpful to others who grieve or those who minister to the grieving then there is redemption in the pain. Yet this is a very vulnerable time for me. I am a control freak, who wants to be competent and savvy at all times. While David and I have been transparent and honest about our cancer journey it has been a journey of living in faith and strength. I am weak and empty. I need to be taken care of and I do not like it.

I had forgotten to eat and drink today. When I do eat anything it doesn't stay with me long. I took the kids to the library after school today and felt I would vomit as I was walking down the steps. I grabbed the railing and swallowed hard. I find myself having to remember to breathe and talking myself through panic attacks. I understand the psychology and physiology of it all. I've dissected enough brains, memorized names and effects of hormones and neurotransmitters and counseled countless people through similar situations. It doesn't matter. The education and practice has not allowed me to be exempt from the reality of what I need to go through to heal. I guess I was hoping that my years as a counselor and then minister might allow me to "test out" of some of this. I have a special love for thanatology (the study of death) have been with many during their last days and hours on earth, and yet I have to live and learn my own process the same as anyone. So tonight when my friend Carol called and recognized I wasn't doing well she and her husband Ben came to my rescue. I was dehydrated, a little confused, dealing with muscle cramps and lots of tears. They put me in my pj's, gave me salty sugary drinks and potassium and put me in bed. After a while I felt like myself again. I know better, but somehow missed it. David and I always counseled people after a funeral to be intentional about eating, drinking, and sleeping. I had a muffin when I met a friend at Coffee Zone in the morning. After school we stopped at Sparky's for ice cream. Otherwise, food didn't even cross my mind.

I find myself at times hoping someone will call me, just to check in with me. An hour later the phone rings and I find myself not wanting to see or talk to anyone. I don't even look at caller ID, but let it ring. It isn't unusual to have 15 voicemail messages. Thankfully, most people tell me I don't need to call back.

I'm off work until October. I want to use these few weeks wisely. I know I need to rest, but that will take some time to relearn. One of the things I realized even more clearly is that I am Pastor Bonnie. It is who I am, not what I do. I remember the first time I cared for a bereaved person. I was a teenager and friends with the pastor's daughter. The pastor and his wife were gone when an older woman called the parsonage in tears because her brother had died. We left a note for the pastor and stayed with her until he could get there. I knew then I had found a belonging place in this world. I found myself comforting and ministering to many in my congregation at the visitation and funeral of my husband. Therefore, while I am on a leave of absence from the church I think it will be best that I worship at other churches. It will give me an opportunity to focus on worship and not on my parishoners. There is the added benefit of returning to work refreshed with new ideas for worship.

Back Home

The children and I are back home. We are all so glad to be back in Columbia. Judson and Sophia were beaming so much when we landed at the KC airport that everyone around them was smiling. The dogs and kids have finally calmed down and are asleep. I will do the same and catch the blog up later.

Today was one of the most difficult days I have ever had. I am an emotionally strong person and usually do whatever needs to be done, regardless of how difficult it may be. As it grew closer to the time for the funeral I wasn't sure I could get through it. It was difficult to watch the casket close. I was given the option of having closed before the family entered. Perhaps that would have been easier- I'm not sure. I wanted one last chance to see David and I believe that the symbolism was an important thing for us to witness. This is a closing. We are at a time of change in our lives and sometimes we need something concrete to help us embrace the reality of where we are.

The service was easy. I found comfort as Jimmy played David's favorite hymns. I found that I was able to sing the songs and found great strength in them. It was nice to hear people speak out the ways David had touched their lives. I am always lifted up by the preaching of Molly and Muriel.

Leaving was difficult. Every Sunday morning I walk out down that same aisle surrounded by people and think nothing of it. Today I felt self conscious as though I were emotionally naked and vulnerable. I kept telling myself to lift my head and walk with courage. I finally raised my head and looked out. I was afraid I would see gazes of pity. How comforting to meet the eyes of a friend. Courage returned and I could continue on.

One more service to go and then we can focus on finding our new normal. We fly out early tomorrow morning to Asheville. My friend Darie will be our minister and we will place David's body in its final resting place. That body has been through so much.

Once the service is over it will be time for some self care for the children and me. I will take the children to Cherokee for a little history and hiking. I will make time to do some hiking on my own. We will be less than half a mile from the Blue Ridge Parkway. A little quiet time in the woods is always healing.

webcam

Our dear friend Melissa is studying at Stellenbosch University in South Africa. She was greatly saddened that she would not be able to attend David's funeral. Her family is setting up a webcam through Skype so that Melissa can be a part. They are still working on the details and are unsure if it is going to work. They should know tonight. If it does work I have asked that they post the address on this blog. If you are out of town and would like the address check back and read comments. posted to this blog. I may not have time to put it in a seperate post. Remember the funeral is at 11:00 CENTRAL time. That is 10:00 to those of you back east!

David Rests

David died peacefully, with a smile on his face after 2:00 am on Sunday morning. His sisters and I were with him. Mary Ellen sang to him. We each reassured him it was okay to leave and that he had lived a good life.

My Internet carrier once again has had problems with service. I will write more about his death and our families grieving process, but for now I am busy with funeral arrangements and caring for my children. Alex, Judson, and Sophia are okay. We all cry and laugh from time to time.

Visitation is Wednesday evening 5:00 pm to 8:00 pm at Bethel Church. A Celebration of Life will be held on Thursday at 11:00 am, also at Bethel. Our dear friends, The Rev. Dr. Molly Marshall and The Rev. Muriel Johnson will lead the service. We welcome people to share stories of David, so that we can add more of him to our memories. As David requested, he will be buried in Weaverville, North Carolina in the mountains he loved so dearly. The cemetery is next to my parents home, where we had planned to retire. Our friend Darie Wilson Lee will lead the service. A memorial service will be held in West Virginia at a date to be determined later.

Thank you for all the love, prayers, support and numerous e-mails.

afternoon update

David is less agitated and resting peacefully. I am being carried by an energy outside myself that is also peaceful. His sister held the phone up to his ear so he could hear his mother and father. He smiled as they talked. I will continue to post short updates.

David has been talkative throughout the night. Sometimes he is at his former career as a department store manager. Sometimes he is talking to friends or family. At one point he was smiling and telling someone that he is Arnold Casto's son. He then "woke up" and told me he has been talking to his mother. David's mother is still alive, but has dementia. We often have to tell her who we are in relation to other people that she knew when she was younger. This morning as I was changing his bedding he looked at me and asked "Are you doing this for you or your daughter?" I assumed he wasn't really talking to me. Then he said. "Your daughter is Sophia." That hit hard. I felt the weight of being a single parent begin. Part of him has already left us. His sisters arrived during the night after a long drive. I think after seeing them he has let go of this life a little more.

David is very much ready to leave this world and doesn't resist the approach of death. Last night, when he was coherent, he told me it was time for him to do this. Neither of us want him to linger in pain and confusion. We have sat with too many families as they watched their loved one linger for weeks. Of course, we know he doesn't get to decide the time- that is in God's hands, but it is comforting to know that he is at peace with leaving us.

One of my favorite parts of ministry is being with people and their families as they approach death. It is a sacred and intimate time and I have always felt honored when asked to be a share in this part of a persons life. It is similar to attending a birth, though the joy is weak and the grief is heavy. David and I were one of those couples that actually videotaped our children's birth. While I don't intend to videotape his death, I hope that sharing these intimate moments will help those who are far away feel closer.

I just came back from his bedside. As I am writing this I am on my bed and he is beside me in his hospital bed. He called me over to him. As I started to lean down to him, he said, "No, look behind you!" I turned my head and then asked him who he saw. He told me it was a city, but he couldn't see the faces yet to know who was there.

I don't know how far he is from that city, but I wish him a peaceful journey. Thirteen years is far too short.

Daily Update & How I am Doing

David had another difficult night last night. He slept very little, bothered by pain, night sweats, and anxiety. Today he had IV fluids, a visit from a physical therapist and some friends. By noon he was tired and rested most of the afternoon and evening. He has been much more peaceful today than last night. He often talks and reaches out in his sleep. When this started a few weeks ago he would share with me what he had been seeing. Now it belongs to him and if I ask, he tells me he is just dreaming. I watched him this evening move his lips as though he were talking. He had a huge smile on his face. He kept reaching out as though he were shaking hands and greeting people. At one point his smile grew and he puckered his lips as if to kiss someone. It is good to see him so joyful, even if I am not a part of it.

Many people ask how I am doing, then ask how I am really doing. I am truly okay, except for the extreme fatigue that comes with sleep deprivation and emotional stress. Of course I have my times of tears. Yet in spite of the grief I can't help but feel gratitude for having David in my life, especially the last years. We know without prayer and treatment our grief would have come sooner.

With my usual sense of timing, I have had the last two weeks off of work for vacation. (some of you may remember I gave birth to Judson right before fall break in seminary, so I didn't have to miss many classes.) The pulpit was already covered and the congregation anticipated my absence. After our last visit with David's oncologist I told the church I would need to take more time after vacation and that I wasn't sure how long. They have very graciously agreed. I have been firm in not doing any church work during this time of "vacation." David and my children (and a couple of dogs) are my focus.

Not only has the church been gracious with giving me time to be with David they have cared for me in many other ways. Two men from church have taken care of mowing and trimming. One woman has told me which days to set my laundry out. She picks it up without ringing our bell in case I am busy and leaves it at my door, clean and folded. Meals come in on a regular basis, as well as snack foods and drinks. Friends have washed dishes, emptied garbage cans, played with our dogs, given massages, and played with Judson and Sophia. One friend even helped me clean my freezer after it went out during a storm. I wasn't aware it had stopped running for a couple of days, so it was not a pleasant job. The important lessons learned were if you have a lot of deer meet do not store it on the top shelf of an upright freezer and good friends will go to great lengths to help.

When David and I decided to join our lives in marriage we knew that we were not only joining families, but joining careers. By sharing one job we would also be able to share fully in raising our children and caring for our home. We believed that we were called not only to preach and lead, but to be servants to one another and to Christ's church. I may finally be learning how to have the grace to let others serve me. It is a difficult lesson for me, one I have long believed in my mind, but have had a hard time receiving it in reality. I am grateful to have so many friends through Bethel Church, Lee School for the Expressive Arts and our neighborhood who are gently teaching me to receive.

Daily Update

Tonight I am only giving an update. I am too tired to write about an extra topic. David has had more pain than usual today. He has a difficult time getting into a comfortable position. It often involves from 3o minutes to an hour and a half to reposition him. Even then he isn't comfortable and often within the next hour he wants to be repositioned again. He hasn't had much of an appetite today and I have had to insist that he have something to drink.

David's sisters, Judy and Mary Ellen, his nephew Samuel, and nieces Katie and Amanda will arrive for a visit tomorrow night. They will be staying through Sunday. I am glad they can come.

Daily Update & How are the Children?

David is asleep as I am writing and I am grateful. We were not able to get to sleep last night until after 2:00am, so hopefully tonight will be easier. We had many visitors today and David was grateful for each one. Pain management continues to be a problem, as well as being able to focus his thoughts. His appetite has been down today, but it seems to come and go, so tomorrow may be better.

One of our first concerns when we realized we were dealing with a life threatening form of cancer was our children. Sophia was 4, Judson was 6 and Alex was 14 at the time of diagnosis. We promised the children then that we would always be honest with them, no matter how bad things got, and we have kept that promise. Children are aware when parents are stressed, worried, or depressed. If they don't have an idea of what is happening they tend to assume that they have caused the problem.

We waited a full day before we told them that their father was going to die soon. We needed time to process the information for ourselves. As expected we all cried quite a bit. Yet it seemed that Sophia would never stop crying. Once they had their twenty four hours to process they showed signs that they are dealing with the stress appropriately.

Judson tells me he plays video games sometimes to forget and I assure him that is okay. He has assured David that we will be okay. He was aware that his last orchestra concert was the last one his father could attend. He was very grateful for the extra effort David made to be able to attend.

Sophia commented on a television commercial about preplanning funerals and wanted to know if David could plan his own funeral. She wants to be sure that all of David's wishes are honored. I have overheard Sophia and Judson talking about possibilities and how they want the best for their father's funeral. I know it sounds morbid, but I am glad they are able to talk about it since this is their reality.

Alex moved into an apartment with friends about two months ago. He had stayed at home his freshman year of college so that he could help around the house. He has been working full time during the day this summer at the theater, and then working many evenings as a flyboy for one of the shows, so we had not seen much of him this summer. He has had to grow up fast these past five years and has been a great big brother. He took turns with me holding Judson and Sophia as we shared the news. He has been home more since learning about the progression of David's cancer and very helpful.

All three children have amazing faith that strengthens them during this time. They continue to pray and believe that a higher power is caring for us even through difficult times. On Sunday they wanted to be at church even though I was on vacation. They wanted to feel the love and support that they have found at Bethel the past five years.

I don't know what the years ahead hold for them, but in the past few weeks I've come to realize that they have the faith and strength within them to get through whatever is ahead.

background leading to where we are now and daily update

David was diagnosed with prostate cancer almost five years ago. The cancer had already metastasized to his bones. At that time we were not given much hope or any treatment options. We were told that he could research treatment for himself, but that there was really nothing that could be done. His doctor simply said, "you will never be an old man." We were left thinking that he only had a few months to maybe a couple of years.

Since then David has flown to MD Anderson for an evaluation, been in several research treatment programs, and seen several doctors. He has had numerous chemo treatments, hospitalizations, CT scans, and procedures. We are so thankful for the added years that we have been given together. The past few years have been challenging at times, but for the most part we see them as an amazing gift. We have the best medical team, a church that is unbelieveable and friends that have bravely and lovingly walked this journey with us.

We recently learned that David has leptomenigeal carinomatosis. That means the cancer is now in his cerebral spinal fluid and meninges (membranes covering of the brain and spinal cord). This has resulted in David having pain and little control of his lower extremities, short term memory problems, facial numbness, difficulty focusing eyes and thoughts, occasional double vision, some slurred speech and less vocal volume. He is weak and tires easily. It has become more difficult to get him out of bed, and he isn't able to help me lift him.

The following, is part of the daily updates I will give. I am giving more details than most people want to know, but remember our families are on the east coast and are anxious for details. Our parents are unable to travel at this time, so this is one way to help them feel closer.

Today David has spent the day in bed. He has eaten well today. His hospice nurse, Susan came for the weekly appointment. She is going to schedule a physical therapist to come and teach me how to safely move him. Alex came home for a few hours and did a grocery run for me. We have controlled the pain well for most of the day with medication. One of the great things is that David's father has set up a webcam. As I am typing this he is looking at his father Arnold, sister Mary Ellen and nephew Samuel and sharing a conversation with them. You can do a video chat at pastordavid@tranquility.net

Tonight I got a girl's night out. Our friend Ben came and stayed with David so I could go out with my church lady friends and see Mama Mia! It was nice to slip away to the Greek Islands with my friends for a few hours and hear music from my high school days. While I was out our friend (and massage therapist, chiropracter, and chinese medicine practioner) Nirtana brought a group of friends to sing for David. He enjoyed the visit and music.

David doesn't have a lot of time left in this world. We don't know when the cancer might take away vision, hearing, or the ability to think clearly. Last week he was able to go to the mall in a wheel chair. This week it is hard to get him out of bed. We do not know the changes that next week might bring. For those who are local feel free to make a short visit. Call about 15 minutes ahead, in case he is asleep or in a lot of pain. If you are out of town feel free to call. If we are busy we won't answer the phone, but you can leave a message. Don't worry about disturbing us. We promise to let you know if it is ever a problem.

We are ever grateful for your love and support.

getting started

I have been promising a place where friends and family can get updates on David's condition, as well as find ways to help our family. We lost our internet connection the same day that we learned that the cancer had spread and our time together was limited.

For now, please continue to hold our family in your prayers. Pray for pain management, physical strength, and clarity for David, and that he will live as long as he is alive.

This is a difficult place to be in life, but it is also a sacred and intimate time. I wouldn't want to avoid it or rush through it.