Fade out

In case you haven't noticed, this blog is fading away. That is a good sign. I see it as evidence of healing and an awareness of the need to move forward in my life. I am feeling a need to have a private life again. David and I openly shared about our journey with cancer. We were blatantly honest about the difficulties, the fears, and even the amplified awareness of joys that we experienced during that time. I have been very open with the world as I have shared what it is like to lose a husband to cancer. I know the blog has been therapeutic to me and I believe -based on e-mails and the number of people who have been following- it has served some sort of positive purpose for others.

Several events in my life have led me to this point. My Grandmother died last week. We have been expecting her death for years. She had requested that David and I speak at her funeral. For a while I was never sure who would die first; David or my grandmother. During this time I went a year without seeing my parents. David's health was too fragile for us to travel to visit family in North Carolina. My father did not feel like he could leave my grandmother and be so far away fro her while she was ill. If my father and I had known that he would die between the other two deaths, I am sure he would have come. But that is how it is with death. Sometimes imminent deaths take years. Sometimes death comes unexpectedly and without warning. All we can do is make the best decisions that we know with the information that we have available to us.

My mother is no longer living with me. Our family has made arrangements that are satisfactory to my mother and all of us, so that she is able to be closer to home. I am so over the need to be a caretaker! Part of writing this blog has been a way of caring for myself, but it is also a way of caring for others.

That doesn't mean that grief doesn't appear from time to time. One of Sophia's school peer's father recently died. This opened old wounds for her and in turn brought grief to me. Listening to you child cry out, "Why?" repeatedly, when you have no answers for her is challenging. The hardest aspect of cancer and death has been the way they have brought pain to my children. She has had people tell her, "At least you knew your father was dying. You were expecting it and were able to say good-bye." Comparing the tragedies of death is much like deciding which is more of a fruit- an apple or an orange. Some things in life just are, and cannot be measured nor compared. There are some benefits to knowing that a death is coming. Yet few know the difficulties of living for several years, wondering is this the week or month when everything turns. Few understand how hard it is for children and a spouse to watch their loved one waste away over a period of years. It is a long drawn out pain that is exhausting not only for the dying, but for those who live with them on a daily basis.

Caring for an adult in one's home is challenging. The culmination of the deaths of three people who were very important to me within nine months of each other has been a bit overwhelming. I am ready to let go of caretaking, death and grief to focus on life- at least as much as one can in my chosen field! I still want to care for my parishioners and continue to teach them to care for themselves and others.

I have also begun dating again. It has been a big step, but I decided about a month ago that I was ready. I've always enjoyed dating and male/female relationships. I am enjoying spending time with people other than my kids, parishioners, and girlfriends. The kids are comfortable with this new side of their mom's life- although they haven't met any of the men I have dated.

David and I talked about dating and remarriage when he was sick. When he was first diagnosed he begged me to never date or remarry. He couldn't stand the idea of someone else being with me or acting as a father to his children. I would usually respond that I had no idea what I would want to do with my life after he died, and let him know that I would always make good decisions about anyone that I included in the lives of our children. After a few years, he decided he definitely wanted me to date and remarry- and that I shouldn't wait long. Again, I would respond that I had no idea what I would want to do with my life after he died, and let him know that I would always make good decisions about anyone that I included in the lives of our children. By that time he was watching me work full time, care for our home, kids, and him. Stress, some treatments, and some medications made him short tempered and critical. I was the person that usually caught whatever spewed. He often felt guilty because he wasn't able to help and participate and he knew that I was exhausted. He was aware of how much time and energy I put into taking care of him, so he wanted me to be able to move on in life- maybe even make up lost time. I would not take back the years that I spent caring for him. "For better for worse, in sickness and in health, until death" was the promise I made and I was glad to keep it. But now that time has come to an end, I feel no need to continue to honor a marriage that has ended. No one can live in the past.

So, I am ready to be out of the blog light and back in the private world. I have no desire to share information about who I've dated, how many men, nor how many times I have gone out. Dating as a widow of a certain age, who is a pastor, is challenging enough without men having to worry about what I might write about them when I get home. I know that I have been a bit overwhelming for a few men already. No need to scare them all away!

I also have no interest in responses or comments warning me to be careful, telling me it is too early, or any advice or wisdom readers have about dating. I am enjoying the process and feel quite confident in my ability to make good decisions for myself and my children. I am a strong independent woman. I've may have only been widowed for nine months, but I have been single in many ways a lot longer. I manage a home, family, and career quite well. I don't need anyone to support me financially. I am not emotionally dependent on any one person. I am capable of doing pretty much anything I want in life. If I decide to add anyone to my life it will be because I want them there, not because I need, "somebody/anybody." I am happy being single.

I don't know if this is the last entry. I am willing to write more if I feel inspired. But the need to live life more than reflect and write about it is very real for me at this time. Perhaps I will keep a private journal that will become a juicy tell all book about returning to the dating world. Ah yes, see- that last sentence should keep the phone from ringing and end any hope of an evening out- so I won't... but let me reassure you. It would be a very funny book!

Bonnie's Servant Song

Several weeks ago I shared that I was the subject of a photojournalism students senior project. Here is the final project. I think Colleen did a great job.

www.colleenmcdevitt.blogspot.com

I'm Back...

The past few weeks have been very busy. My mother seems to be adjusting well to staying in my home. I am certain she would rather be in her own home, but she seems to understand that isn't a good idea right now. I could start another blog about what it is like when a parent moves into your house and the roles switch. I won't out of respect for my mother and I will try to avoid that here. I try to keep this space focused on living with the death of a loved one. I will say that I still don't like to come home and find someone waiting up for me!

It was a little odd to move out of my bedroom. This is the room that David and I always shared and it is where he died. I am now sleeping in a bed he never saw, in a room that has been repainted since his death. My old bathroom still has some of his things in it. The basement bathroom has had a shower added and has only my things in it. It wasn't a hard transition to make, but my understanding of what is hard in life is shaped by the previous years. Changing rooms is really no big deal compared to some of the other things in life. However, I like the basement. It is quiet and I feel like I have the entire floor to myself.

Many friends have checked in with me to see how I am faring, since they know how difficult the Advent/Christmas season was for me. Lent, Holy Week and Easter Sunday have been pretty good. I think this is because of a multitude of reasons. First it is spring. The days are longer and warmer. It has been cold and I am still fighting allergy symptoms, but sunlight makes a huge difference in my life. Second, David often seemed to be sicker this time of year. I have planned these services on my own many times because he didn't have the energy or ability to concentrate. Last year he did preach the Easter sermon with me. I remember he wasn't able to write much of it and we talked about the possibility of him sitting on a stool rather than standing. It was the last time we preached together. One of the local paper's did a brief article about it. ( http://www.columbiamissourian.com/stories/2008/03/21/pastor-and-wife-share-sermon-sunday ) Also, Holy Week has been busier than usual. I had several additions to my schedule, including two funerals. I was too busy to dwell on my own grief. While there have been times when it wouldn't have mattered how busy I was, I am now in a place where I don't mind putting my energy somewhere else. Since I was sick a few weeks, then took a week to travel to NC, came back and added my mother to my household and then moved into Holy Week there hasn't been too much time to sit around and feel. I have also had many extra pastoral care responsibilities and have found it challenging to make time for them. With four weddings in May I am having to work in a lot of premarital counseling visits into my schedule.

I filled six Easter baskets last night. I started with a plan for the usual three, but then thought to check with Alex to see if Lisa was going to be in town. As I was shopping, I thought it might be fun to put together a basket for my mother. Then later thought that she might think I was treating her like one of the kids, so I made one for myself. Sure- it had things I was already buying for myself like contact lens solution, a DVD I had recently bought, and lots of candy (that I had gotten for myself anyway- LOVE Easter candy!) but I know that there are times when she feels like I group her in with my children. Still I wanted her to feel included- so that meant including myself. As I looked at the filled baskets and the many bags of candy, office supplies, and toys to be stuffed into eggs I thought, "Looks like someone is trying to make up for something or someone that is missing this Easter!"

As usual Easter Sunday began early for our family. We had breakfast and went to church. We have never done any family oriented activities until after worship. This was something I chose to do when Alex was little before going into ministry. I was a church pianist and always had added responsibilities on Easter. The last thing I needed was a child who did not want to leave an Easter basket at home to go to church. It also helps our family to keep perspective about why we celebrate the day. After a Christ centered worship service, then visits from a bunny, candy and eggs are fine. Yet they are never the focus.

After church we all joined my friend Laura and her daughter at a restaurant for lunch. Alex and Lisa left before the rest of us and went to my house to fill and hide eggs. Our eggs had the usual candy, but also hair elastics, fun paper clips, marbles, and various small junkie toys just to keep things interesting. The egg hunt was fun. Since the kids are older now Alex and Lisa could hide eggs in very challenging places- like up in a tree. The eggs were put in a pile and divided evenly between the three younger kids and the two college students. Then it was time for the great negotiations and exchanges. Since tastes in candy vary (which I find strange- I like most candies) and not every needs hair elastics for a ponytail, our family makes trades. Later everyone got their baskets, then I crashed. The past week I have averaged between 3-5 hours of sleep each night because of the heavier work load. I napped for almost two hours!! I probably would have slept until morning, but my sense of obligation forced me up from bed, up the steps and into family life.

We watched Sleepless in Seattle tonight. After the movie Sophia asked, "Do you hope that happens to you?" (a boy tries to help his widowed father find a new wife) I told her it would be nice to meet someone one day. She gave her usual answer, "He had better be nice!" I gave her my usual response, "I did a good job choosing your daddy!" She often asks me questions about dating. She give advice on clothing and hair if I am going out to meet friends. I think the idea is both exciting and scary for her. As for me I am in no hurry, but no longer feel the need to avoid it either. However, the reality is that I barely have time for what is on my plate now.

Easter is a season of hope and new life. Resurrection can happen in our lives in so many ways. I choose to live as fully and honestly as I possibly can. I value life and want to be fully alive. I don't deny or avoid the past, but I refuse to live there. If it is painful I want to feel the pain and then move through it. If it is joyful, I want to be able to embrace the joy and feel it. I am certain that David wanted me and the children to enjoy life as much as possible. I suspect he would be relieved that this holiday was easier for us than the others. It is a sign of progress, growth and a sign of firm belief in the many forms of resurrection.

Transistion

I feel that I am in a time of transition- to what I am not sure, but I am moving to a different place in life. I have the sense that time is changing. I am running out of time when I could do some really stupid things and people around me would say, "She's been through so much. No wonder she has...." Instead the response will become, "but she is a mother, pastor, functioning member of society and should know better!" After David died I tried to hold it together and make good choices in life. Most of the time I succeeded. I like living in a pocket of grace. But something within me tells me it is time to move forward.

Perhaps it is because tomorrow I become responsible for my mother for a few months. Right now I am at my sister's home on the east coast. Tomorrow I load my children and my mother and drive back to the mountains of Western NC to her house. We will spend a few days there and then go to my home. While in the mountains I will help her sort through some of her things. We will also go take care of getting headstones for the graves of David and Dad. There will be visits with family- I get to see my grandmother. It will be a busy time. I also hope to see a few friends from high school and college. It is a lot to put into two days.

I have enjoyed my time on the coast with sisters. Two of my sisters live here and the other flew up from Florida. There has been sharing of music and stories. We've made sure that the children have gotten to do some touristy things. They have enjoyed the beach, museums, boats and the aquarium.

The beaches here are wonderful. I do not care for the beaches lined with hotels, wax museums, and amusement park rides. I prefer them with very few people and a few bungalows. I love walking on the beach. I have often thought that if I got started on the Maine coastline I could walk to Florida. I think differently on the beach. My thoughts are bigger. Things seem possible against the waves, sand and salt water. I think that I could become very self centered living here. I usually gravitate toward people, but I can be perfectly content alone on the beach. I could easily become an eccentric woman dressed in gauzy skirts, with several cats, and my unpublished poems and books filling a little bungalow overlooking the ocean. In the mountains or the Midwest I want to be surround by friends and family. I see myself one day writing another chapter to my life with partner. On the beach I could be single forever and write stories with the characters in my head. Each tourist that came to town would become a character in a story I would build around them.

But tomorrow I drive west, away from the ocean. I go back to the role of care taker, but this time a parent rather than a spouse. Another chapter begins.

Lights, Camera, Action!

"Why would you let anyone follow you around with a camera?" That is the question I asked myself as I brushed my teeth and put on moisturizer this morning. I have agreed to let Colleen, a photojournalism student follow me around for a class project. The assignment is to do a photo story on the topic "making a living." She had interviewed me for one of the local papers for a New Year's article, and thought that she could use me for this assignment as well. I agreed for many reasons. Most simple and obvious is that I almost always agree to help students with any school projects. I remember how stressful it was for me to step outside of my school to arrange internships. Also, this is for a class, not television or a magazine publication. I'm not going on display for the whole world to see. Still, I found myself questioning my sanity this morning as I gazed at the red and puffy allergy battered eyes that stared back at me in the mirror. My nose, rubbed raw by tissues, and my chapped lips were not anything I wished to share with even a small group of people.

I am usually comfortable in front of a camera. My father was a photographer, so I learned early to be at ease. He bought an 8 millimeter movie camera when I was about three. My three older siblings were in their teens -old enough to know to feel awkward in front of the camera. Family home movies often have shots of teens with a hand in front of their face, or an expression that clearly begs, "Take that camera off of me!" I was young enough to dance in circles and do any trick I could think of to keep the camera pointing in my direction. As I got older I learned to just ignore the camera for candid shots. For posed shots, I had a well practiced smile that I could turn on quickly.

I think that I want to do this project with Colleen because I believe in the healing power of stories. I think everyone has a story to tell. I tell mine through this blog. A big part of my job is retelling the stories of the Bible to help people apply wisdom and find hope in their lives today. I also work with people to think about their personal story within a theological context. That is to say, "Where do you see God working in your life? What is the life story you are writing? Does your story reflect hope, peace, and joy? How is your personal story interwoven with creation and the rest of humanity?"

I tell the stories of many people. I tell stories of people who do amazing work in difficult places. I tell stories of people in despair who find hope. I tell stories of ordinary daily life being touched by the Holy. Telling the stories of others is a difficult job. When I tell my own story I try to be kind to those around me whose stories have intertwined with mine. It is one thing to tell something negative about yourself, but entirely different if you tell that same story about someone else.

My favorite time to share the life stories of others is at funeral services. It is a time to celebrate an entire life- not just the last few years of a person. I love sitting with a family, asking a few questions and then listen to the stories pour from them. It is usually a time of laughter mixed with tears. It is a step toward healing.

So here I am on the other side. I am letting someone look in on my life and tell what they see. I need to be on the other side from time to time. It serves as a reminder that it takes vulnerability and trust to let someone else tell your story. It is a dance of balances. We become comfortable in our roles and forget what it is like to be on the other side. Those who give need to know what it is like to receive, in order to be more graceful in their giving. Those who receive need to know the sacrifices and the joys of giving.

I believe that by allowing someone else to tell part of my story that I will become a better storyteller. Colleen will see things in my life differently than I do and I will learn new things about myself. Being alive involves growth. This project is set up so that the student will learn and grow in their field. I suspect that I will get a good education from this project as well.

Single Mom

I have written several times about the difficulties of being a single parent. I have heard many theories about children growing up in single parent home and few of them are positive. I know many adults, who have come out of single parent home, who are emotionally stable, have a strong moral code, and contribute quite well to society. I also know many adults who have come from two parent homes that are paying (or should be paying) a lot of money to work through the damage that came from growing up in a two parent family where one or both of those adults were unable to parent well. In a perfect world children have two parents that are physically and emotionally healthy adults. This world is not perfect. Alex's father and I separated when he was three. I married David the week before Alex turned six. Now I find myself once again parenting on my own.

When I was alone with Alex I bristled at every "single parent home" critique that I heard. I was in seminary at the time. It was a school in the process of change from a focus on superior education to a focus on "conservative family values." It went from being listed as one of the top five schools for seminary education (probably by Money Magazine- they do a lot of those lists) to a place that receives more notoriety for statements their president makes than their education. It was in the process of transforming from a place where women and men received the same education to a place where women were encouraged to only take classes that were appropriate for their gender. Liberal theology, women in inappropriate roles/careers, and single parent families were sending the world to hell in a hand basket. Since I was single by a divorce that I chose and not single by death or abandonment meant that I, with child in arms, had carelessly ran straight into the flames. There was much conversation about children needing to be raised by two parents of differing genders. When I would point out that not ever single parent chose to be single- there were those who were widowed, abandoned, and those who decided to give birth rather than seeking abortion (another popular downfall of society at that time) the recommendation was that they find a husband quickly. It was wrongly assumed that single parents were women.

It wasn't just at school that I heard criticisms of the single parent family. Through the media I learned that our children were more likely to become pregnant teenagers, do drugs, drop out of school, and pick their noses in public. Single parent families were blamed for overloading the welfare system. It was a time of election and the Christian right, which I found to be neither Christian nor right, was on the attack of the horrible crime that I was participating in by raising my son alone.

I work hard to make sure that my children do not suffer the consequences of living with one parent. I keep their father around through stories and photographs. I remind them of his morals and values. I have a wonderful support group of people willing to help. I make sure that there are strong male and female role models in the lives of my children. I recognize that it isn't the same as have a father at home, but I do my best to keep my kids from falling through the cracks. I try to give them everything they would have in a two parent home, thus I suspect that sometimes single parents suffer the consequences of parenting alone more than their children.
There are some positive things that I find about children from single homes. I recognize that these are generalizations. These are characteristics that can be found in children from two parent homes. Not all single parented children have all of these characteristics. Yet, if you are a single parent reading this, then hopefully it can give balance to all the negative criticism you hear. After all, our choices are to get busy and find someone else to parent beside us or make the best of the situation that we are in at this time.

• Children raised in a single parent home often have to participate more in housekeeping. They learn how to do laundry, clean toilets, cook, shop, and mow the yard. My kids love to clean toilets. They have learned that if one cleans toilets while the other washes dishes or folds laundry the toilet cleaner finishes faster- which is well worth the yuck factor of toilet scrubbing. Thus, they are able to care for themselves when they leave home.

• They learn how to entertain themselves. If my kids tell me that they are bored, I simply say, "Gee, I'm sorry. Do you want me to find you something to do?" They rarely tell me they are bored. They do not look to me to keep them entertained and happy. They do look to me for love and they get lots of that!
  

• They cannot divide and conquer. My kids cannot play me against myself. Instead, they learn to negotiate one to one. Sometimes I encourage this and sometimes I let them know that something is nonnegotiable.
  

• They learn independence. My children see through me that they can do what needs to be done. There is great value in the example of interaction in a healthy marriage. There is also great value in seeing someone overcome obstacles alone.
  

• They learn the basics of survival in our society. My kids no longer have the option of staying at home with Daddy when I get the oil changed, pump gas, go to the bank, or shop. Since they are with me I talk to them about what I am doing. It helps them feel involved, which puts a stop to whining, and they learn about car maintenance, financial planning, keeping accounts, and shopping for value. It is easier to do these things without them, but when they are at school I am at work, so they go with me.
• They learn time management. I can't do everything that two people do. I might tell them, "We need to do these five things, but there is probably only time for two or three. Which do you think are the most important things to do?"

Of course everything above can also be done in a two parent home. I am not trying to make an argument that single parent homes are better. For years in my perfect dream world I was a stay at home mom with six kids and a husband that was happy in his career. I am arguing that living in a single parent home is not the worst thing that can happen to a child. So if you are reading this as a single parent trying to do what is best for your children take heart. Change what you can, ignore what you cannot change, and celebrate what does work well in your family. If you are not a single parent, then be aware of the criticisms that are often made and defend your friends and see what you can do to help.

Seeking Balance and Health

I've been sick for about a week. Nothing major, just a bad cold, or perhaps even flu since I have body aches and fever. It doesn't really matter, because treatment is pretty much the same; rest and plenty of fluids. It is hard for me to take any sickness I have seriously after living with someone with cancer for five years. It feels wimpy to give in and go to bed. So I usually keep going. It isn't that I am that stubborn or stoic. I also know that when I stop, life doesn't and that when I return I will have more to do. If I don't do the laundry then one of the kids will be out of sock or jeans. If I don't sweep the floors dog fur takes over. Whatever I skip has to be added to the already full schedule in the future. Every appointment I cancel at work will have to be rescheduled. Then there are the things I am stubborn about. I would have to be at death's door to miss a wedding, funeral, or even skip a sermon that I had prepared. Luckily I usually have sermons near ready about ten days before I preach them. They are never completely finished until they have been preached. Then there is the reality that I happen to like life and prefer living it outside of my bed.

Tonight I missed work. I didn't work all day today. I met a friend for breakfast this morning after dropping Sophia off at school. I soon realized that I was going to crash. I canceled all appointments and went home and went to bed. I didn't set an alarm because I thought I would only sleep an hour or so. I woke up at three- which is the time I am supposed to be at Judson's school. When we went to get Sophia one of the parents volunteered to take the kids home with them and then to church. I went home and went back to bed.

This is one of those times when being a single parent stinks. Last night the kids kept looking at me with the same concern the used to have when David was sick. I kept reassuring them that I was fine and would be back to normal in a few days. It made me wonder what I would do if I were ever seriously sick. I know I have many friends that would step in and help. Still, it is a disturbing thought. Exercising and eating well is so much more than trying to look good. When David was diagnosed I felt an overwhelming responsibility to be as healthy as I could possibly be so that my children would have at least one healthy parent.

There are other times I hate being a single parent. It is challenging when the kids have to be at two different places at the same time. Luckily they have the same piano instructor and are now in the same orchestra. It is hard when one of them seems to need some extra attention. I don't like having to work evenings because there is the challenge of finding a sitter or taking them with me. It is good that in my line of work it is often expected that I bring my children to work! I have an out of town meeting this weekend. Alex will come and stay with the kids. It is only two hours away, but it is the first one I've gone to since David's death. Eventually I will have to figure out how to do conferences that are out of state and involve several days.

In about two weeks my mother will be coming to stay with us for a few months. That will bring some help and some challenges. She needs some help with day to day care. However, I will have another adult in the house. With time I will learn better ways to balance it all.